Yellow Snow 16.1

QUOTES”What do you do? Just turn on the computer and start typing?”
-Kale Stephens asking how to check his hotmail account”I guess I’m not cool enough for the snowboard companies.”
-Tom Gilles on his hunt for a ski-company board sponsor”You just try and run away with those big balls of yours!”
-Hana Beaman, in Japan, after a snow monkey stole her food”I never thought in a million years that I would be drawing on Mike Ranquet’s face.”
-Hana Beaman after Mike had a little to much sake”You don’t know who Willie Nelson is?”
-Capita’s Blue Montgomery to new TransWorld Photo Editor and Limey Nick Hamilton “Rite Aid in Mammoth is not where you’re going to find your wife-not even someone you’d want to wake up with the next morning.”
-Russell Winfield

Yellow SnowHoroscopes 2002By Chris Coyle

TransWorld in no way supports belief in the occult. The following is merely a series of excuses for people who refuse to take responsibility in their lives. Do not use horoscopes for life-planning, advice, or investment purposes. Do not look at or touch them without protective gear. If nervousness, vertigo, or autoerotic asphyxiation occurs, discontinue use and consult your mom. In case of accidental overdose, seek professional care or contact a poison center immediately. And we urge you-never operate heavy machinery while under the influence of the zodiac.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Be wary, mighty ram, for this month tragedy will strike when your goggles’ UV protection is reversed, setting your eyebrows aflame.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This is a good month to attempt to sell your idea for leather snowboard chaps. Just remember to push the baby powder.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
While hiking in the backcountry, you’ll be mauled by twin yetis. Fortunately, you won’t remember any of it-saving you the embarrassment of bestial memories and the pursuit of tabloid bloodhounds.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This month you’ll realize that growing up near the asbestos factory wasn’t that bad-the third arm growing out of your back comes in handy for doing methods.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Roar like the mighty lion you are, this is your month! Cheat on your girl with her best friend, wreck your buddy’s car, and get in a bar fight.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Just because you were born under the sign of the virgin doesn’t mean you have to live by it. Stop being so picky-ugly people need love, too. Just stay away from Cancers (crabs, you know).

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The scales of justice will tip your way when that million-dollar lawsuit against the makers of Judo-Air Bindings settles out of court. Unfortunately, you’re gonna lose it all when you rear-end Bill Gates.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Every time you attempt a trick this month, you’ll writhe in pain from your snowboard smashing into the back of your head. Don’t forget to stretch.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You can die happy-one of your lifelong dreams will be fulfilled when you meet J2. Twos’ dreams will be fulfilled when he meets your mom.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
It’s bad enough that your zodiac sign is the “sea goat,” but this month you’ll learn what the phrase “insult to injury” means. Plan to lose both a lot of money and the lower half of your face in a bet.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You are the sign of the water bearer … and it’s about damn time. You know how thirsty I am? It’s hot as hell up in this piece.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
There’s some good news and some bad news. The good news is, this month you’ll finally get a video part. The bad news is that it’s going to be on COPS.