X Games? We Need The World Cup of Freestyle Partying

Even the most ardent supporter of ESPN must admit there is something inherently weird about the blitzkrieg of coverage. Pursuits that were the domain of athletically-inept punks and butt-rockers, are now telecast as if they were the Monaco Grand Prix.

Take the Street-luging
I can remember quite clearly the premier street-luger in my teenage Everett, WA world. We all called him “The Daddy;” he was probably ten-years older and drove a muscle-car. Looked like a Rush roadie. The Daddy used to take on all-comers in stealth races down shady abandoned back roads for a few dollars.

Now, I hear The Daddy can’t compete in modern street-luging events because he prefers the head-first approach. So much for extreme.

I guess I’ve ranted a lot lately at ESPN and the X-Games, but the truth is I’m an ESPN junkie. If not at my day job as the ranger for the Warm Springs Golf Course in Ketchum, ID, I’m trying to find out how many strikeouts Randy Johnson pitched the night before? Tiger’s next tourney? Will Shawn Kemp, in fact, be traded from the Sonics? What was Holyfield’s weigh-in weight?, etc., etc. In fact, my life would suck without ESPN.

Enter the X-Games
Although I don’t think ESPN has figured why this X-Games thing is so utterly retarded, my good friend Walter has. I recently finished a 3,000-word piece in Snowboarder on the subject of competition mega-events, and yet Walter was able to say it better in one sentence. “It’s like having a big, televised thing to find out who’s partying the best,” he surmised. And that’s it, exactly.

So in order to capitalize on this insight I have taken it upon myself to begin work on a pilot for ESPN’s newest event, next season’s “World Cup of Freestyle Partying.” This will, I imagine, debut upon ESPN’s obvious next product, the X-Channel.

The World Cup of Freestyle Partying, brought to you by Hamms beer and Microsoft, features a dazzling line-up of the world’s top partiers from around the world. A truly global affair with one-hundred party varmints from places like Stockton; CA, Rutland, VT; Yakima, WA, Shakopee, MN; and one French-Canadian guy.

There are several events measuring each partier’s individual style and endurance. And let me emphasize that I’ve really tried to draw upon the soul of the party ethic, as opposed to any sort of wholesale sell-out.

The Barefoot Beer-skiing Event
Inspired by Mt. Baker Legend George Dobis, the beer-skiing competition is similar to traditional barefoot water-skiing, but incorporates normal lakefront party situations. As such, the athlete-partier is required to take-off from a prescribed beach and, while being dragged behind a boat with a Chevy big-block 400, consume two Rainier 16-0z ponders, and slalom several fisherman. Hit it, extreme boy!

The Speed-Climbing Race
Unlike the speed climbing event in San Diego’s X-Games, the Party Games version features actual speed. That’s right, these party-athletes will be cranking it up before attempting to ascend a glass wall with absolutely no hand-holds. Party ooooowwwwttt!

The Wild Turkey Cross-Country Footrace
A unique event in the history of footraces, this will take place outside of Elko, NV in a minimum temperature of 110 degrees. Party-racers will be required to slug a pint of whiskey ten minutes prior to the shotgun start. All racers will then enter a high-speed sprint into the desert in tthe direction of their choice. The last to collapse wins.

The Halfpipe
Party-athletes will mill around the flat bottom of a sixty-four foot wooden halfpipe consuming at will from strategically placed kegs. This will be a jam format and judges will award scores on the following criteria: Coolest Hat, Lip-synching party tunes, Shit-talking, Freshest and Dopest Nylon Sweatsuit, and Amplitude. Though not a specific criteria, spinning will count.

Several host cities are already vying for this and our test-marketing results are phenomenal. Thus, the World Cup of Freestyle Partying should come to dominate the arena of up-and-coming spectator sports and quickly put the Olympics and the NBA out on the streets.