Quit Your Stupid Job and Drive to Blackcomb Right Now

With a $160 (Canadian) summer pass good through the end of August, the kindest exchange rate in years (around 28%, or something), and slack season specials in abundance, you’re an idiot if you go to Mt. Hood this summer. A phenomenal snowfall last season has left Blackcomb with a spring/summer that’s better than a Colorado winter. And with several chairlifts running (including Jersey Cream and Seventh Heaven), the T-bar nightmare may not even surface this summer.

Add a skate park, hassle-free parking lot sleeping, $40.00 (Canadian) health club memberships (showers), and no lift-lines and you’ve got the snowboard bargain of the summer. Park’s good, pipe’s good, and the kids are better than you can imagine.

At a recent local pipe event (top prize $100.00 and a video game), the weakest kids were doing head-high airs and the best were busting lien McTwists about eight feet out. Derek Heidt and Chris Dufficy — forget it! If they were American, they’d have Pete Line status and pimp around in 525i’s. And that beyond-gnarly five-foot-two punk you just saw twirl a big five-four method, well, that punk’s a she and there’s a dozen more like her. The BC talent pool is so deep you can’t see the bottom. Shit, it doesn’t even register on the sonar. With all the Olympic jabber focusing on Americans and Scandos, don’t count out the Cannucks.

If your rad factor is high enough, Dano “the Matriarch of Whistler Snowboarding” Pendygrasse may invite you to Schwarty Manor for Canadian barbecue: Molson’s and Stanley Cup playoffs (“Did I say barbecue and croquet? I meant sofa-surfing and Eric Lindros”). If not, you will have to settle for a “between” night. That is, spending the duration of your evening shuttling between Tommy Africa’s (heinous jock-head techno bar #1) and the Evil Beagle (heinous jock-head techno bar #2). Note: So as to eliminate any confusion, both bars simply take American cash at par value with Canadian. You lose.

Though the Whistler bars are a losing proposition, the spectacular Alps-like surroundings more than compensate. Fly-fishing, world class rock climbing, mountain biking, etc.. Several nearby pristine lakes offer wilderness sailing and water skiing if you can hook with a local.

There’s still a few weeks before the summer camp “Meatballs” scene fires up and the Horstman Glacier is littered with amped-out rich twelve year olds from Burlington and Osaka. The prime window is now for maximum snow and minimum bodies.

If you spend any time up there, you’re likely to get several glorious sunny days in the Coast Range, but you will also invariably get several days of Cobainesque downpours (this is when your health club value becomes apparent). So plan for rain, stoke on the sun, and if you’re truly blessed, you may get one of the few June powder days in North America

With current massive construction in Whistler Village, this best-designed resort in North America may soon be the Grand Mall of the North ( future tourist guide text: “Buy a cardigan at Roots and throw French fries to the bears from the chairlift an hour later”). If so, seize this last best summer at Mexico prices today.

Why are you still staring at your terminal? Why are you still employed?

Get out, eh?