Open Season

By this time tomorrow the dense fog will have diminished from my feeble mind, and the reoccurring questions will have been answered.

The explanation, I believe, will come from a composition of sounds and one very simple formula. Head minus helmet plus concrete equals concussion.

Due to a slightly frayed connection, the instant replay feature in my in internal monitor has been a little messed up. We have audio, but no video. I’ve mentally replayed the soundtrack a hundred times desperately trying to piece together the various sounds surrounding the incident, however my temporary indecision has left me without a confirmed story.

All I know for sure is that it started with the sound of snow packing and moving in short distinct moments, continued with resinous fiberglass flexing, then a grunt, a “poof”, a “clang”, the sound of metal sliding over metal, an abrupt snag, an “oh shit!”, a jacket flapping in circles, a “crack”, a “thud”, and then finally an “oh my God dude, are you all right?” Following such an extensive and final review, it’s clear that the real question at hand is not simply, what happened, but whether I smacked my head on the steps or on the concrete abutment on the other side of the handrail.

Devil Handrails. Everyone knows that sliding them is for skateboarders, but I guess when there is no snow on the mountain and six inches in the city it’s time for men to be men. At the very least it’s a time for certain sideways soldiers to grab a six pack, turn up the ghetto blaster, and follow the flash bulbs to glory in the name of Chad Muska.

During normal rotations of the earth, the sky would have long been grey and many pounds of frozen particles should have enjoyed lengthy free falls from the bomber above. Not this year. Nope. In a pre-millennium pseudo winter of late snowfall and uncertain weather patterns, many locales have about as much snow in town as they do on the hill. So instead of the season being open as we know it, the urban youth have declared OPEN SEASON on handrails worldwide.

Your helmetless head will probably feel like mine at some point if you’re ollieing onto handrails instead of over tabletops, but it’s a small price to pay given a few of the benefits. You can bring your dog, friends, family, neighbors, cooler, barbecue, and best of all you can show off in front of everyone without ever having to wait around for your girl-or boy-friend to catch up.