Angry Interns 16.1

Angry Interns

Five Reasons You Don’t Want To Be Sponsored

What’s it gonna take to get that new Audi S4 Volcom edition? How about the pro-model snowmobile your agent has been negotiating for? Will you buy the loft in Vancouver or the condo in Mammoth? No way, that’s so sick.

Yeah, it’s sick all right. Back in the warehouse bathroom annex here at TransWorld, The Angry Interns(tm) hear it all. Straight from the source-so believe it.

Snowboarding is hectic-companies are cutting off the old dogs and huntin’ for kids on the come-up. For some jacked-ass reason, everyone thinks they deserve to be sponsored. It’s ingrained in the gene that makes people want to snowboard. But from the frontlines of the industry, we can tell you-with a nod and a knuckle-bump-it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. The following five reasons are just the beginning of why:

1. You’ll never get the board you want. You’ll be forced to ride a board that’s too wide, too long, too short, or just plain ugly. The worst part-you’ll have to pretend to like it. If word gets back to your sponsor you’ve been talking shit about product, it will be a quick end to a short career. You may argue, “Well, I’m sponsored, I can just get new stuff, right?” Wrong! On the bottom rung of the sponsorship ladder-where most people spend their entire careers-you’ll be lucky to get one package a year from the local rep. And that’s after getting past their voicemail barricade.

2. Outside of AOL chat rooms, people don’t really think you’re cool because you’re sponsored. The only people who’ll be impressed are little kids-everyone else has found easier ways to get free stuff than selling their soul. But if your game is trying to keep pace with the fourteen year-olds keep ripping, bro-you’re bound to blow up.

3. Once people find out you’re sponsored, everyone will ask you to give them free stuff. Most likely you won’t even get enough stuff for yourself, much less to hook up broke friends. When you’re only getting nine pairs of goggles a year, few things are more annoying than a friend nagging you for new lenses.

4. It’s not much of a career. Your tenure as a sponsored rider has about the same life span as an MTV sitcom (The Osbournes not included). Injuries, bad attitudes, and falling behind the trends are all grounds for dismissal. When you’re done, your net earnings will probably total 300 dollars-for that third-place finish in the local boardercross race. Snowboarding also cuts into the time when you should be learning life skills-and you’ll find yourself at a dead-end ski-bum job forever (only you won’t care about ski-bumming anymore).

5. Doing contests and shooting photos is not as fun as actually snowboarding. Regardless, you’ll be expected to do one or the other of these painstakingly useless activities every day. What you once thought of as the best and funnest thing ever-shredding-will become as stale as your old boot liners. Like a boring nine-to-five drone, you’ll come to loathe it all. You’ll be, as they say, over it.