The Angry Interns

Well, it’s a new year, and in preparation for the brand-new twelve-month session ahead of us, maybe some of you are thinking that your current occupation just isn’t cutting it anymore. We interns know what it’s like to hate your job more than anything else in life-a person can only take so much break-room dish-washing, incessant yelling from cranky editors, and evil glares from the guy who waters the plants. Maybe one of these days we’ll tell Kurt to cut his own toenails and leave these muggy offices for good, but for now, we’ll stick around in order to give you, our beloved reader, some money making alternatives to your current lifestyle.

Professional Friend
Nearly all of us have at least one friend who’s figured out how to turn his love of snowboarding into a career. For this to work, it’s going to take a little planning on your part. First, suggest that your buddy get a couple of plants to spruce up his place. Then mention that a pet might be a nice addition to his life. When November rolls around and your friend is starting to wonder what he’s going to do with Fluffy and his new ferns while he’s traveling all winter, nonchalantly offer to take care of the place while he’s gone. And bam-you’ve got a rent-free house and a furry little animal all to yourself for the next six months. If you’re running low on cash, feel free to claim any of the numerous sponsor packages that might come in the mail and post them on eBay. He’ll never miss them.

Art Model
There’s a good chance that whatever moderately large town you’re located in or near has at least one art gallery. And there’s an even better chance that this gallery is owned and operated by an eccentric middle-aged man who likes to take pictures of young people for one of his many ongoing personal projects. Although he rarely books any shows that bring in the bucks, this guy always seems to have plenty of cash and is more than willing to pay upwards of 50 dollars for one sitting. This isn’t a job for the proud, as you’ll most likely end up scantily clad and curled up in the fetal position while sketchy owner dude stands over you snapping photos and commenting on the beauty of the symbolism evoked in the placement of the dead flower by your left shoulder. We’re not saying it won’t be weird, we’re just saying it might beat cleaning toilets in the lodge.

You know, being homeless really isn’t as bad as it sounds-as long as you pick the right place to do it. Have you ever been to San Diego? This place is teeming with homeless people, and they all look relatively happy. It’s warm, sunny, and there are at least a million other down-and-outs wandering around to play dice with on the street corner. Sure, you’ll have to give up conventional standards of hygiene, but we’re sure that rotten teeth and body odor will be making a comeback any day now. You might even be able to bring in a few extra dollars with the “I’m only 23 and I don’t have either of my ACLs anymore” pitch.

Rock Star
This is one of those things that every one of us has considered at one time or another, and really, it’s not even that hard to go through with anymore. All you need is an edgy haircut, some tight pants, a couple of friends with equally edgy haircuts and tight pants, and maybe an instrument or two. Get yourself a MySpace music profile, post some photos of you and your friends screaming into microphones and generally thrashing around, maybe pay some cute high school girls to stand around in the background of said photos, and spend the next 47 hours adding friends. You’ll be an instant success. We promise.