Petting Zoo

The untimely death of everyone’s favorite crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin, really hit us hard at the office. We’ve had a couple months to let the news sink in, and as we move on in our grieving, we thought it’d be pertinent to delve a little further into one compelling specimen that Steve never had the chance to research in depth: the Professional Snowboarder.
Let’s start with one of our favorite exhibits in the zoo, the Caucasian Snowthug. A defining characteristic of this breed is his immeasurable sense of delusion in regard to himself. Despite smearing sunscreen on his pasty white face for upwards of twenty-odd years, it still hasn’t hit him that he is, in fact, an upper-middle-class suburbanite white boy. We know that if any of us spent the amount of time that the Caucasian Snowthug spends staring at himself, we couldn’t help but take note of such a prominent detail. Another interesting characteristic is his vocabulary, which consists mainly of the words, “what,” “word,” and “son.” When not holed up in his bedroom flexing in front of his full-length mirror, this fascinating creature can be found shopping for tall-tees at the local mall, looking at rims on eBay, nonchalantly repositioning his do-rag, or blankly staring into space fingering whatever large, shiny piece of jewelry happens to be hanging from his neck.
Moving along to the next enclosure, we’ve got the Western Canadians. The Western Canadian shares several characteristics with the Caucasian Snowthug, most notably possessing a similar affinity for flashy neck jewelry and tans. This creature is rarely left alone by his herd, who are all dressed exactly alike in semi-baggy jeans and a wifebeater. In fact, unless you’re an expert in face recognition, you may have trouble telling the individuals apart from one another, such as one might have trouble differentiating the five members of The Backstreet Boys. This rowdy creature resides primarily in the higher climates of northwest America, and it has been speculated that its loud boastfulness is a mechanism used to attract females, of which very few can be found in the male’s natural habitat. Along with possessing a fondness for beer and perfectly groomed facial hair, the Western Canadian has been observed wearing lightly tinted wire-rimmed sunglasses both day and night, a habit that has baffled scientists worldwide.
Next, we’ve got the Emotional Hipster, a fascinating critter that shares very little in common with the first two. The Emotional Hipster seems to resent the fact that he’s known primarily for his ability to jump over large obstacles on a piece of wood, as opposed to being recognized for his ability to use large amounts of paint and shellac to commentate on the downfalls of modern society. This creature prefers an urban environment and can be found on any given day walking down the street in painfully tight jeans, a blazer layered over a button-up that is layered over a T-shirt, black leather boots, meticulously disheveled hair, and at least seven additional pieces of flair. The Emotional Hipster has also been found to be highly susceptible to a particularly aggressive strain of “skinny fever” when choosing a mate.
With that, we’ll move along to our final exhibit, the Bitter Retiree. Do not, we repeat do not, try to talk about any aspect of snowboarding with this breed unless you are actually physically snowboarding with them. In fact, if you happen to see the Bitter Retiree off-hill while you are wearing any form of snowboard-related gear, we recommend that you avert your eyes and slowly back away. Although appearing much older, the Bitter Retiree is often in his late twenties and resides primarily in damp, northwestern, urban climates, where he can be found drinking coffee, riding his bike, or at social events standing sullenly with his arms crossed. The Bitter Retiree’s wardrobe consists entirely of one pair of jeans, one T-shirt, one hooded sweatshirt, and one pair of underwear that he woore once at a wedding seven years ago.
That concludes our tour. Tips are appreciated and may be left at the front desk. Forties can be purchased at the gate, and don’t forget to dump a little out on the sidewalk for our dead homey Steve Irwin.