El Niño Extra

We could only sit back and watch as ABC and CNN brought us the apocalypse in nightly increments. many dogs, especially miniature daschunds, showed a waning interest in chasing cats and often looked to thesky with puzzled expressions on their faces. not everyone was happily spelling El Niño in the their morningbowl of Alpha Bits. a guy named Al Nino enjoyed his fifteen minutes of fame. newspaper headlines:Mayoral candidate loses election, blames El Niño Ludvark, Iowa-Jan. 19. Robert Smith, Ludvark’sflamboyant stylist turned politician lost the mayoral election by a landslide . . . Boy Scout troop rescues ElNiño task force caught in flood. Lames, Tennesee-Feb. 11.

Rising waters yesterday left a special weather alert team stranded on top of their vehicles in the middle of NASA studies El Niño’s effects on themoon’s craters Cape Canaveral-Mar. 28. Following a recent discovery by one of their leading . . . Therole of El Niño in the nation’s growing lint problem. a critical essay by Quinn Sharpie El Niño floodsclose down dozens of lawn-bowling centers resulting in rising daytime infomercial success.

El Niño Index Percentage change in the number of deaths from spontaneous combustion: +30. Change in number of haircuts for the average American male: -.4

Number of bowling balls per alley stolen during a normal year: 5.2

Number of bowling balls per alley stolen during an El Niño year: 8.5 Percentage change in the number of McDonald’s “Happy Meals” during an El Niño year: -12

Likelihood that an American thinks El Niño is a crafty matador from Mexico: 1/42

Change in dollars of the World Foosball Association’s yearly prize money during El Niño: 0