Things Not Welcome In The 06/07 Season
It’s that time of year again, the end of the season. Another excruciating six months of watching the same videos over and over again and posing airs on the living-room carpet. While usually we take this time to tell you what we think is going to happen next season, this year we decided to change it up. We’re not going to predict the future, but tell you what we hope not to see in the coming year. All the stuff that made us want to puke in 2005/06. So, it’s basically just another reason for our bitter, dead-end-job-having asses to bitch some more. But that’s what you’re here for, ain’t it?
Boys Dressed Like Girls
What the hell is this all about? If getting dressed means anything more than sniffing your pants and putting them on-you’re taking too long. Ohhh, and if you’re one of them types who has taken to buying your pants in the girls’ section-you’re not Mick Jagger, no one wants to see your package.
Girls Dressed Like Boys
It would be just our luck that there’re finally some beautiful women in the snowboard world, but they all dress like food-court gangsters. Nothing is less attractive then a girl sagging her pants with a visor beanie and a waist full of danglers. C’mon, we know that you’re getting away from the sex-object thing, but it’s getting a little outta hand.
Another Picture Of Chad’s Gap
We get it-it’s big. Enough already. Isn’t a large chunk of the world covered with snow? We find it hard to believe that with all the resources and money that’s getting pumped into snowboarding, you people can’t find your way out of Utah-new jumps, please.
You’re in the snow, dipshit! Snow is made from water, which gets you wet. That’s why we wear “waterproof” clothing. If you want your ass soaking wet, then just wear boxers and nothing else. And another thing, it makes your style look awful-you look like a snowboarding Maggie Simpson.
Is there a rail left that hasn’t been front-boarded? Bury that trick with the spaghetti air. ‘Nough said.
“Artist Series” Anything
Who cares if the inside of your boot liners have graffiti from COPE, you ain’t never going to see them. None of us can remember the last time we were doing a frontside air in the pipe and thought, “This Andy Warhol topsheet sure does help me grab!” Make the boards worth a damn and the people will buy them.
Good god, not this again. Here come all the companies that couldn’t give a shit about snowboarding for the last two years to hop on the bandwagon in hopes of another “American sweep.” Just wait, there’re going to be so many Shaun White interviews coming out, you’re going to throw up in your mouth at the sight of them.
Ads Involving Half-Naked Women
Dear Ad Executive,
Before placing an ad containing a girl in bikini/thong underwear, please be aware that this has absolutely nothing to do with snowboarding whatsoever. In doing so you’re not only insulting the people you’re trying to sell to by assuming they’ll fall for your sophomoric crap, but you’re making snowboarders in general look like a bunch of sex-crazed goons. Grow up.
The Angry Interns
P.S. Talking to someone who snowboards before placing the ad might help.
Idiots Who Say Global Warming Isn’t Happening
Guess what, fellas, it wasn’t raining in the mountains twenty years ago! Pull your head outta your ass and realize that if we don’t make some changes, there isn’t going to be any snowboarding-or snow, for that matter-in 30 years.