Angry Interns

ADMIN

• April 06 2006
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Things Not Welcome In The 06/07 Season

It’s that time of year again, the end of the season. Another excruciating six months of watching the same videos over and over again and posing airs on the living-room carpet. While usually we take this time to tell you what we think is going to happen next season, this year we decided to change it up. We’re not going to predict the future, but tell you what we hope not to see in the coming year. All the stuff that made us want to puke in 2005/06. So, it’s basically just another reason for our bitter, dead-end-job-having asses to bitch some more. But that’s what you’re here for, ain’t it?

Boys Dressed Like Girls

What the hell is this all about? If getting dressed means anything more than sniffing your pants and putting them on-you’re taking too long. Ohhh, and if you’re one of them types who has taken to buying your pants in the girls’ section-you’re not Mick Jagger, no one wants to see your package.

Girls Dressed Like Boys

It would be just our luck that there’re finally some beautiful women in the snowboard world, but they all dress like food-court gangsters. Nothing is less attractive then a girl sagging her pants with a visor beanie and a waist full of danglers. C’mon, we know that you’re getting away from the sex-object thing, but it’s getting a little outta hand.

Another Picture Of Chad’s Gap

We get it-it’s big. Enough already. Isn’t a large chunk of the world covered with snow? We find it hard to believe that with all the resources and money that’s getting pumped into snowboarding, you people can’t find your way out of Utah-new jumps, please.

On-Hill Sagging

You’re in the snow, dipshit! Snow is made from water, which gets you wet. That’s why we wear “waterproof” clothing. If you want your ass soaking wet, then just wear boxers and nothing else. And another thing, it makes your style look awful-you look like a snowboarding Maggie Simpson.

Frontside Boardslides

Is there a rail left that hasn’t been front-boarded? Bury that trick with the spaghetti air. ‘Nough said.

“Artist Series” Anything

Who cares if the inside of your boot liners have graffiti from COPE, you ain’t never going to see them. None of us can remember the last time we were doing a frontside air in the pipe and thought, “This Andy Warhol topsheet sure does help me grab!” Make the boards worth a damn and the people will buy them.

Olympic Fever

Good god, not this again. Here come all the companies that couldn’t give a shit about snowboarding for the last two years to hop on the bandwagon in hopes of another “American sweep.” Just wait, there’re going to be so many Shaun White interviews coming out, you’re going to throw up in your mouth at the sight of them.

Ads Involving Half-Naked Women

Dear Ad Executive,

Before placing an ad containing a girl in bikini/thong underwear, please be aware that this has absolutely nothing to do with snowboarding whatsoever. In doing so you’re not only insulting the people you’re trying to sell to by assuming they’ll fall for your sophomoric crap, but you’re making snowboarders in general look like a bunch of sex-crazed goons. Grow up.

Thanks,

The Angry Interns

P.S. Talking to someone who snowboards before placing the ad might help.

Idiots Who Say Global Warming Isn’t Happening

Guess what, fellas, it wasn’t raining in the mountains twenty years ago! Pull your head outta your ass and realize that if we don’t make some changes, there isn’t going to be any snowboarding-or snow, for that matter-in 30 years.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• March 20 2006
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Joe and Jane Shredpants, can we talk? It’s about something that has been driving us crazy for quite some time, but we weren’t sure how to bring it up: snowboarding has gone down the collective crapper. Remember when it used to be tough? When the sight of a group of snowboarders walking into the lodge would send mothers into protective dives for their children? Now, ten years later, we got the same moms handing kids juice boxes at the top of the pipe and giving them tips on how to do “Mac-Twists.”

While it is true that this is an inevitable sign of warmth, where are the holdouts? There’re millions of people riding motorcycles safely and sanely, but there are still Hell’s Angels. Is it the money? Are people too afraid to take a stand on anything because they’re afraid of losing their second house or fancy car? ‘Cause if that’s the truth, we’ve all lost.

Now, has the sport changed because of the changing demographic? Maybe snowboarding is no longer marketed to a bunch of rough and tumble kids, and now the sales pitches are pointed at parents-the ones who buy the product. Making everything a little tamer for Ma and Pa Shredpants, in other words. Pulling the reins back on offensive ads and product may sell some more boards, but what about the kids who want that stuff? We love it! Gone are ads where Peter Line is getting caught with his pants down. Now we gotta deal with boring old portrait, product, action.

Say what you want about Shaun Palmer and his X Games hype, but he was right on when he said, “This is just too easy.” No one has the balls to say that now. Put a microphone in front of them and watch as they turn into a NASCAR driver and start spewing sponsors like they’re puking a sticker pack.

It’s as if companies and snowboarders alike are afraid to take a stand anymore. Whatever’s hot this week is what they’re latching on to. How are snowboarders ever going to have their own shit if no one sticks to their guns? All our industry keeps doing is trying to get every dollar from every kid, and in the process, everything is getting watered down.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, “Hey, assholes, these ‘watered-down’ companies are the ones paying your salaries.” But we’re interns! We don’t get paid! So we can say whatever the hell we want-HAHAHAHAAHAHA!

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• December 22 2005
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Contest Schmontest

With Olympic fever in full effect this year, contests are gonna be hotter than a raver’s leather pants. Like any aspect of snowboarding, there is always a handful of colorful people to look out for at events-and there ain’t no better place to people watch than at a tube contest. Now that you have to wait ten minutes between every run for the stupid camera man to get back up top, getting around to check folks out is easier than ever. Here’re a couple to look out for, and hopefully you’ll find a few of your own. Good luck.

Digi-Cam Larry

We’re starting to think that “Digi” stands for Dumb Idiot Getting In yer way. Since the invention of the pocket-sized digital camera, every contest has turned into 400 schleps leaning over the banners on the side of the pipe trying to get guy-in-the-sky photos of pros they don’t even know. “Who was that?” “I think they said his name was Andy Flinch.”

The Announcer

It’s always amazing to us that after hiring a professional anouncer, they still give some asshole from the PR department a microphone, too. He’s easily spotted by his gigantic Dr. Suess hat and over-sized “wacky shades.” Much like the Digi-Cam Larry, he rarely knows any names of either tricks or pros. For six hours, his job is to remind you every four minutes of the event’s corporate sponsors.

Local Paper Photographer

If you are a snowboard photographer, it’s easy to spot this one: they’ll either be standing right in front of you or hovering over your shoulder. They will also have the biggest lens you’ve ever seen in your life. This way they can take pictures of people going fifteen-feet out from so close that it looks like they’re jumping on a trampoline.

Drunky McSurly

Drunky is usually the same guy who is screaming at the bar staff when they don’t open right at nine a.m. Most of their day is spent trying to talk to pros as they walk up the pipe and then getting pissed when said pro doesn’t know their hip new handshake. If, for some reason, you need to track Mr. McSurly down, just listen for someone booing during any pro’s run.

Pom-pom Mom

Seeing as the average age of a pro snowboarder is about “fetus” these days, it’s not uncommon to meet a parent who is more than glad to go into detail about their son/daughter-at length. Look for parent-looking folks holding signs that say something like, “We’re a fanny of Danny!” or “We’re wishin’ for a Trish-win!”

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• December 22 2005
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Contest Schmontest

With Olympic fever in full effect this year, contests are gonna be hotter than a raver’s leather pants. Like any aspect of snowboarding, there are always a handful of colorful people to look out for at events-and there ain’t no better place to people watch than at a tube contest. Now that you have to wait ten minutes between every run for the stupid cameraman to get back up top, getting around to check folks out is easier than ever. Here’re a couple to look out for. Hopefully you’ll find a few of your own to add. Good luck.

Digi-Cam Larry

We’re starting to think that “digi” stands for Dumb Idiot Getting In yer way. Since the invention of the pocket-size digital camera, every contest has turned into 400 schleps leaning over the banners on the side of the pipe trying to get guy-in-the-sky photos of pros they don’t even know. “Who was that?” “I think they said his name was Flinch.”

The Announcer

It’s always amazing to us that after hiring a professional announcer, they still give some asshole from the PR department a microphone, too. He’s easily spotted by his gigantic Dr. Suess hat and oversized “wacky shades.” Much like the Digi-Cam Larry, he rarely knows any names of either tricks or pros. For six hours, his job is to remind you every four minutes of the event’s corporate sponsors.

Local-Paper Photographer

If you’re a snowboard photographer, it’s easy to spot this one: they’ll either be standing right in front of you or hovering over your shoulder. They’ll also have the biggest lens you’ve ever seen in your life. This way they can take pictures of people going fifteen feet out and from so close that it looks like they’re jumping on a trampoline.

Drunky McSurly

Drunky is usually the same guy who’s screaming at the bar staff when they don’t open right at 9:00 a.m. Most of their day is spent trying to talk to pros as they walk up the pipe and then getting pissed when said pro doesn’t know their hip new handshake. If, for some reason, you need to track Mr. McSurly down, just listen for someone booing during any pro’s run.

Pom-Pom Mom

Seeing as the average age of a pro snowboarder is about “fetus” these days, it’s not uncommon to meet a parent who is more than glad to go into detail about their son/daughter-at length. Look for parent-looking folks holding signs that say something like, “We’re a fanny of Danny!” or “We’re wishin’ for a Trish-win!”

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• October 13 2005
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Four Things You Should Do While On The Chairlift

At most resorts in the world, riding the chairlift can take more time than actually riding down the damn hill. And thanks to the high-speed quad, now you get to spend extended periods of time with a bunch of people you don’t even know. It’s like being stuck in an elevator for fifteen minutes with a flatulent close-talker-awkward. But don’t fear, ’cause the Angry Interns are here, with more bad ideas for your feeble little minds.

Talk To A Stranger

Going through a tough time in your life? Sometimes no one has better insight than a complete stranger. Maybe they can help you out with that rash or explain to you why you only want to have sex with cats. For all you know, they might be a doctor or a shrink.

Tell People How Rad You Are

Looking to promote yourself? Well, shit, you got a captive audience. Give ‘em the whole speel-how you can lick your own eyebrows and speak in an extinct tongue, how your mom once dated the keyboard player from ‘N Sync’s backup band-whatever you got. Just don’t stop reminding them that you’re better than they are.

Point Out Other People’s Weaknesses

Nothing lets other people know how cool you are than telling them how much they suck. Somebody (god forbid) could be wearing outerwear from last year. This could be a prime time to scream from the chair informing them of their wackness. Maybe they aren’t bagging enough air on your favorite jump-heckle away.

(P.S. We’re being sarcastic, idiot.)

Meet A New Life Mate

We already told you about the whole captive-audience thing. Use it to your advantage. Throw down some smooth-ass lines, like, “Can I help you widen your stance?” or, “Are you regular or goofy? I go both ways.” This is a sure-fire way to completely blow it.

Okay, One Don’t (We Couldn’t Help Ourselves):

Talk About Your Drug Habit

What are you, an eighth-grade dirt-rocker? No one cares about your “dank nugs” or whatever shitty nickname they got this month. So keep it to yourself, along with all the stoner talk about “kind” this and “fatty” that. Save it for Burning Man.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• August 26 2005
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Last winter sucked.

Let’s not powdercoat it-last winter was a total punch in the crotch for a lot of snow shredders. You see, a couple of us decided to take the winter off and move to where the snow is. Let us explain: this magazine is made in Southern California (a completely logical place for a snowboard magazine-right?). So over the last couple of years we’ve been getting a little itchy for some real, hot shred action. It’s not like we’ll ever get a promotion or be allowed to go on one of the trips the “real staff” takes-bastards.

So with that in mind, we packed up and headed north-to Oregon, to be precise. TWS Editor Chris Coyle had gone on and on about “Northwest this” and “Northwest that.” By the end, he had us convinced that the heavens part and the shred god himself creates a snowboard wonderland unmatched anywhere. But of course, nothing works the way it’s supposed to when any of the Interns are involved.

It was the Northwest’s worst snow season in twenty-odd years or some shit. The resorts were opening and closing more often than Christina Aguilera’s legs. We spent most of the winter playing PS2 and eating pizza-which we could have done in Oceanside. And speaking of California, it had one of its best seasons in recent history-WTF? What did we do to deserve this? We take crap all year long: “Hey, who’s-its, the toilet’s clogged again.” “Yo, Intern dude, can you go to the pharmacy and pick up my rash cream?” All we asked for is one winter full of tasty airs and face shots, and what do we get? A handful of shit. The only redeeming factor is that Coyle was there all winter, and we got enough dirt on that asshole to have him doing our bidding for years to come. Hope he knows how to use a plunger.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• April 28 2005
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Predictions For 2005

It’s that time of year again-the last issue of the season. For the next five months, we’re going to be vacuuming cubicles and washing the boss’ car in an attempt to keep busy. Glamorous, huh? While the rest of the “staff” traipses across the globe, we’ll be sitting in here hoping to dig up a scrap or two of hot shred gossip.

Then it occurred to us-all you shredamaniacs out there will probably be going through the same withdrawal. So slow your roll, ’cause the Interns are here to help. Not with silly “facts” or “actual information,” but with predictions of what we think might happen by this time next year. “How will this help?” you might ask. Well-it won’t, but since when have we ever been helpful?

JP Walker’s teeth will become so white that astronauts will be able to see them from space.

Marc Frank Montoya’s silhouette logo will become a modern-day bat signal for little Latino shredders worldwide.

Bitten by the Olympic bug, TWS Editor Kurt Hoy blows the dust off his hard boots and throws his spandex back in the GS ring.

Speaking of medal fever, after an incident involving the Grenade RV and a pipe bomb, Danny Kass is forced to pawn his 2002 Olympic halfpipe medal to post bail for Schiff, Clancy, and The Dingo.

In the never-ending quest to make more money, TWS will eliminate editorial completely, making room for more deodorant and hair-dye ads.

A mix-up at a Salt Lake sperm bank between big-mountain Jeremy Jones and freestyle Jeremy Jones results in the birth of a child who has uncontrollable urges to do every handrail in Alaska.

To the dismay of Burton scientists and EXPN announcers alike, Shaun White will actually age one year.

A handful of kids will be labeled “The Next Big Thing” and then get completely forgotten about inside a year.

Along the same line … Ryan Lougee will … oh, who cares? See, we told ya.

Travis Rice will convert his new million-dollar chunk of Jackson Hole real estate into a Michael Jackson, Neverland-type amusement park-complete with Ferris wheels and Jesus juice.

Peter Line will finally completely lose his mind, filling up a pool with all his money and swimming in it daily à– la Scrooge McDuck.

Cashing in on her David Letterman appearance, Tara Dakides will make the late-night talk-show circuit, splitting her head open for everyone from Jay Leno to Jimmy Kimmel.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• April 28 2005
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Sick of it all.

For those of you who read this column every month, you’re aware that we stick to a pretty basic formula: find a subject within snowboarding and make fun of it. But what you may not know is that much like everything else we do around here, we’re offered little to no help. We ask for it. But most of the time we’re answered with blank stares and a “Who are you?” When we look to our fearless leader, Mr. Kurt Hoy (Shouldn’t someone with that last name be working for TransWorld Japan?), for advice, he just answers with, “Try something topical,” while on his way out the door to shoot pictures of underage girls in bikinis. Topical? Like a rash cream? What the hell does that mean?

As a matter of fact, we’re pretty sure that the “editors” don’t even read this column before it goes in every month. Don’t believe us? Watch. Cody Dresser has stripper streaks in his hair. Chris Coyle is a bitter, washed-up drunk. Jen Sherowski loves short, weird, arty dudes with bad haircuts. See-if any of those assholes actually read this, none of that would make it to print. Not like any of their advice would be worth a shit, anyway.

And another thing-they keep telling us how getting to write for this magazine is such an honor. Big f-king whoop. I’m sure the publishers at Harpers and Open City are scampering to the magazine racks each month to read the wistful insights of high school dropouts who get paid to ride glamorized lunch trays down a hill. Can’t you hear them now? “‘Image just doesn’t matter too much when you’re out there shredding,’ says Travis Rice. What? He really does have a stranglehold on the English language.”

Let’s say someone of influence actually did get ahold of a copy of TWS-maybe they’re at a truck-stop bathroom and the guy before them was using it for toilet paper-our names ain’t even on the column.

Oh, sure, now and again they’ll really throw us a bone with an online story. But we only get those because they’re supposed to be doing it themselves but are “too busy” (sleeping in and taking two-hour lunches)-the bastards.

But you know what? We would sooner die than give up this thankless, no-respect-getting, pee-on, coffee-making, toilet-plunging, no-paycheck job. And that’s the part that really pisses us off.

Annie must be paying attention, because someone deleted what we wrote about her, but we know the dudes in the back who put the mag together before it goes to the printer. Just watch out if you happen to be in the vicinity when there’s a full moon and Ms. Fast gets that certain sparkle in her eye … or if her blood-sugar gets too low. Either way, there’s going to be some fun at her expense in Tiny Type.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• April 05 2005
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The Pros And Cons Of Working At A Resort

It’s that time of year again-Christmas break. Two weeks of puking, first from the five quarts of egg nog you drank, then from the nonstop barrage of vomit-inducing Christmas music piped through every speaker within a hundred-mile radius. To top it all off, after buying your mom the home mustache-wax kit she wanted so badly, you can’t even afford to go up and try out the gear Santa left you.

Don’t fret, our little saggy-panted friend-we Interns have a solution: get a job at your local shred hotspot for the rest of the season. Not only will this cure the no-money blues, but most resorts give you a pass or lift tickets in exchange for your blood, sweat, and tears. Now hold on there, cowboy-you can’t just take whatever they’re giving without checkin’ the facts. Once again we’ve gone deep undercover to dig up what you need to know about the jobs you’re applying for. No thanks necessary-not like anyone ever thanks us, anyway.

Lift Operator

Pros: When it’s slow, a lot of resorts allow lifties to shred on the clock. Crooked lift ops make a lot of friends. Peeing in the woods.

Cons: When it’s 33 degrees and raining out-you’re standing in it. Shittin’ in the woods. Pinhead customers who think they’re your boss just because they bought a lift ticket.

Graveyard-Shift Janitor

Pros: “Forgetting” to put all the good stuff you find in the lost and found (we believe the hippies call it a “fatty ground score”). No one around except the security guards to tell you what to do. First chair every morning. Not having to deal with pinhead customers.

Cons: Chances of you riding more than that first chair after being up all night are slim. Dealing with sopping-wet garbage for eight hours. The only people you get to talk to are wannabe cops.

Cafeteria Worker

Pros: Free food. You’re inside. If someone is an asshole, you can spit in their food. Crooked food-service dudes also make a lot of friends.

Cons: Everything you own will smell like chili fries. Dealing with the 30-year-old cooking-school dropout behind the grill. Pinhead customers who think they’re your boss, just because they bought a hot chocolate.

Ski Patrol

Pros: You can go wherever the hell you want. You get to throw bombs. You have the ability to close down entire runs for you and your friends. You can pull people’s lift tickets. Chicks will dig you.

Cons: You’re “The Man.” Most of the day consists of staring into open wounds. It’s your job to try to set off avalanches. A lot of your time is spent dragging a body down the hill behind you. Pinhead customers who think they’re your boss just because they snapped a femur.

Host

Pros: What the hell do you even do? You just stand around all day and point out where the bathrooms are.

Cons: You just stand around all day and point out where the bathrooms are. Pinhead kids who think they’re your boss just ’cause they can’t find their mommy.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• September 28 2004
• 38 views
• 4 comments

If there is one thing we interns have learned over the past few years, it’s that every professional snowboarder who walks through the doors of TWS has gotten to where they’re at by one of two methods: A) Pure skill and personality, or B) Kissing so much ass they’ve got hemorrhoids on their face.

It dawned on us one day that readers might not realize they too can be pro snowboarders, even if they’re only marginally talented. Seeing as everyone who works in this office is either a washed-up pro or a has-been-never-was, they obviously knew who to schmooze. We compiled a short list for you.

These guys are masters of promotion–if anyone can make crap look like gold, it’s them. It’s their job. These are the same people who, when asked how they’re doing, reply with, “Good, (insert company’s new putrid line of stuff) is selling great.”

Jump on their balls and start swinging before it gets too crowded down there. If you’re part of the next big thing’s crew, you don’t need talent to get free shit. Case in point: The Grenerds.

Do you really think Coyle’s drinking buddies are any good? Hell no! Yet they get shots in every issue. Why? ’Cause he has no real friends, so he buys them off with mentions in Yellow Snow.

A good photographer can make Chris Farley look like Chris Brown. If there’s one on the come-up in your area, make sure to really kiss his/her butt. That way when they get big, so will you.

The golden egg of schmooze. They control all of the product. Making nice with one of these guys is the ticket to all the free shit you could possibly eBay. And the best part is, if you really convince these guys you like ’em, the packages will keep coming long after your sham of a career is over.

These formerly hard-to-come-by friends are a dime a dozen today (see Up-And-Coming Shreds).

So, seeing as the rest of the folks around here won’t inform you about it ’cause they’re to busy doing “real work” (traveling around the world and getting drunk), we have once again made sure you get the information that you most likely don’t need.

For the sake of space, we will stick with a super-pro and not even dive into the seedy underworld of a B-team rider.

Angry Interns

ADMIN

• November 02 1999
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Angry Interns‘ 13#5

People are obsessed with nicknames. Well, at least us Interns‘ are. We spend a great deal of time formulating new ones and making sure they get used around the office. It’s absolutely ludicrous! For example, we started out with the word “dog” and added it to the end of someone’s name, like Jay Dog or Steve Dog (A technique stolen from our high school football coach, who referred to his team members as some form of animal or rodent). Then, we took the word “big” or ‘”lil’” and used it as a descriptive adjective, like Big Steve Dog, or Lil’ Jay (something we mimicked from the various-sized rappers gracing the MTV limelight). Recently, however, we’ve gone off the deep end and created a spoken language where every word, not just someone’s name, becomes messed with. It’s practically a slang language chanted only by us Interns‘, and shunned by others here at TransWorld. Indeed, it’s quite different, but we’ve learned to love it, and we hope you’ll do the same. It goes something like this: Take a word, any word. Let’s take something we’re familiar with–snowboard. Starting with the letter “s” in snowboard, move forward until a vowel is reached. Boom! Two letters down, and it’s an “o.” Disregard this first vowel and all the remaining letters. You should now be left with “sn.” Add the letters “izz” to “sn” to form snizz. Next, take your pick from “knap” or “noint” to finish off the word to create snizznoint–for example, I shred the rad with my snizznoint. Now, let’s look at this month’s lizzknaps that you sent into us, The Angry Izznoints‘. And if you don’t like our new language, well, I guess you can all go fizzknap yourself ’cause we’re so sick of your shizznoint, that what you think makes no fizzknaping difference to us anyway.

I’m a ten-year old snowboarder from Michigan, and I started snowboarding last year. I think boarding rocks! I love boarding ’cause it’s so fun to get some air. So, thanks for having such a great mag.

P.S. I’m Kaitlin’s mom and I’m really proud of her and all her siblings. We live, work, and play at Boyne Mountain in Northern Michigan. Kaitlin can ride all the blacks and one of the double blacks. She’s starting to venture into the pipe, too. She’s the youngest of six kids. I’ve finally gotten the hang of boarding and I’m hooked, too. All of her siblings can be found at Boyne more often than not. Her three brothers, one brother-in-law, and a brother’s girlfriend all snowboard. Her other brother-in-law skis and her oldest sisters (twins) snowblade, but we let them hang out with us anyway. Our family has a blast together. My husband, and father to the crowd, is a rock ’n’ roll bass player and will only go so far as to join us for lunch. Our grandson is only two, but we’ll get him out there next year. My twins and I are lift operators for the beginner lift and that’s fun, too. Kaitlin set this letter in motion and I couldn’t resist adding my two cents. We’re a special and unique bunch, who all fight over each issue of TransWorld as it arrives. Thanks.

I think your snowboarding mag kicks ass. If you didn’t already

notice I’m trying to suck up. I’m a poor little white boy from California and I need a snowboard really bad. If you can’t get me a snowboard, then please, for the love of god, just give me a job. Most of my friends have boards and I feel really stupid when I have to rent one. So, if you do not give me what I ask for, I am going to cry.

P.S. I heard you guys smell funny.

You know what? I’m tired of all your guys’ funky BS! I’m tired of all your columns, as well as your stupid, wack-daddy head games. I don’t know what possessed you to stop the funny stuff; you know the stuff, The Angry Interns‘. You probably ran out of snappy comebacks, so now you’ve resorted to mediating when there isn’t a conflict to be seen. Get your crap together, get back to the nitty-gritty. Make people feel like the morons that you are, and remember, kiddies, you need to take a step back before you can go forward.

Okay, kiddy dung-dung, I will now take a step back and review your beautifully manicured letter: You used the word “you” eight times, “funky” one time, “wack” one time, “daddy” one time, “wack” and “daddy” together one time (to form phrase), “nitty” one time, “gritty” one time, and lastly, “nitty” and “gritty” (together to form a phrase) one time. Are we noticing a trend? C’mon, Leonard, snap your ass back to the 1970s where you belong. The word “funky” to describe the poo from a bull? Honk! Honk! Get out of my way, Leonard Light, I’m stepping forward as you stay the f–k back.

P.S. Your last name describes the color of your favorite word, Mr. Poo Boy. Seems like you’re truly shit outta luck.

You have the best snowboarding magazine around. I was just writing to tell you that your mag cheers me up because I can’t afford the World Industries board or bindings that I want, and I only got to go snowboarding once this year. And when I went, I had to ride a borrowed board. So, when I buy your mag, I can at least read about snowboarding. Thanks for making the best mag.

P.S. World Industries is the best

P.P.S.S. If you have any coupons for equipment, please send them to me.

I am very impressed with your mag. It kicks major ass. I especially like Angry Interns‘ and the snowboarding pictures. I haven’t snowboarded, but I’m very interested in trying. My mom and dad say it costs too much. Bullshit! All I wanted to say was that what you guys do is great, but I would make your articles uncensored! Oh, one more thing, your music section kinda stinks!

P.S. World Industries is the best

P.P.S.S. If you have any coupons for equipment, please send them to me.

I am very impressed with your mag. It kicks major ass. I especially like Angry Interns‘ and the snowboarding pictures. I haven’t snowboarded, but I’m very interested in trying. My mom and dad say it costs too much. Bullshit! All I wanted to say was that what you guys do is great, but I would make your articles uncensored! Oh, one more thing, your music section kinda stinks!