MXP: Most Xtreme Primate (2004)
Rating: G
nning Time: 88 min.

So first off, we’d like to point out that although a snowboarding monkey might sound dumb, that monkey was put on the cover of Big Brother Magazine (R.I.P.) for his antics in the equally compelling MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate, and is therefore automatically cooler than you, your mom, your little brother, your hilarious best friend, and anyone else who was never on the cover of Big Brother. That being said, this movie doesn’t really have much going for it. The characters are too young to legally be considered attractive, the acting is sub-par, and for fuck’s sake did we mention that it involves a snowboarding monkey? Anyway, the movie opens with Jack (the monkey) being treated to a vacation to Mexico because apparently he’s bummed out about not being able to play hockey anymore(?). Unfortunately, there’s a zany mix-up at the airport and Jack ends up in Colorado. While in Colorado, Jack starts hanging out with a kid named Pete—we know, we know, it’s a weird relationship—who’s sad because he just had to move away from all his friends. Luckily for Pete, he’s about to make ten million dollars selling Jack to the government for scientific research. Or at least that’s what we would have done. So the hijinks continue while Jack and Pete have to fight off some villainous villains, and it becomes apparent that the director probably could have gone ahead and cut the entire cast except for the monkey and the movie wouldn’t have suffered in the least. Oh yeah, and somewhere in the middle of all that, Bjorn Leines has a compelling cameo as—drum roll please—himself! Love that guy. So that’s pretty much it. It could have been worse, but it definitely could have been better. Maybe go rent it for yourselves and see what you think.

Rating: 2 Athletic Monkeys

Snowboard Academy (1996)
Rating: PG
Running Time: 88 min.

So the interns actually had to set up an online account with Blockbuster in order to get this one, which was kind of a project since none of us own credit cards that aren’t maxed out at the moment. But we made it happen just so we could experience the collision of two of the world’s greatest phenomenons: extreme sports and Corey Haim. Unfortunately, despite hilarious antics from Mr. Haim and Jim Varney—who you may recognize as Ernest, the most annoying character ever created—we all fell asleep about thirty minutes in. However, that didn’t keep us from missing out on Ernest lighting himself on fire, Corey and his shredder pals tearing up the slopes in true mid-nineties fashion, and oh yeah Bridgitte Nielsen(!). That’s right, Bridgitte Nielsen shows up to play a slutty almost-cougar, and unless you’ve been living in a Cable-less abyss, you’ll recognize her as the lady with the weird hair who fell in love with Flava Flave and therefore contributed to one of the best shows ever created, ever: The Flavor of Love, Season One. So yeah, despite an all-star cast and promising script, it really couldn’t keep us awake. Oh, but on a side note, something that did keep us entertained was this little video, that Corey made to squelch rumors of his rampant drug use. Unfortunately, he’s obviously on drugs throughout the entire thing. Priceless.

Rating: 1 ½ Stoned Coreys

Out Cold (2001)
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 89 min.

Okay, so Out Cold actually had the potential to be a funny movie. It’s got Zach Galifianakis, Lee Majors, and a couple of other mildly entertaining characters. But despite all that and a surprise appearance from Todd Richards as a crippled doctor-pilot, it pretty much just ends up sucking. We think this might be mostly due to Inga, who’s supposed to be a “hot Dutch babe, except that she mostly just looks like an overly tanned transvestite and her fake accent makes her sound like she has speech impediment—sexy. Also making a very unwelcome appearance is the Jar Jar Binks guy from Extreme Days, pretty much playing the exact same character that he did in Days, except that in this one he drinks and has dreams of seeing boobs. As for the plot, it isn’t actually that important. Let’s put it this way: we watched it less than eight hours ago and we can’t really remember much except that it involves the aforementioned characters trying to save their beloved tiny ski town from an evil developer in a cowboy hat and that there’s an interesting twist at the end in which the entire credits section is an outtakes/snowboard crash collaboration, which is kind of weird since there’s very little actual snowboarding throughout the entire movie. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. We’re outta here.

Rating: 3 Paraplegic Todds

And that concludes our snowboard movie reviews! We’re going to go cancel our online Blockbuster account now before the two-week trial runs up. We suggest you go rent every one of these and watch them for yourselves. At least you’ll kill a little time while you’re waiting for the real snowboard videos to come out.