V16N08 – The Angry Interns

Angry Interns

Being an intern at the “#1 snowboard magazine in the world” isn’t all free gear and broin’ down. There are some downsides for sure. Long hours, no recognition, and dealing with Photo Editor Nick Hamilton’s breath all come to mind. One thing that we’re always are putting up with is a seemingly endless barrage of practical jokes. Whether it’s a wild goose chase searching local photo stores for “slide stretchers” or the old “Cody Dresser is partially deaf, so make sure to talk louder than normal to him,” we’ve seen it all. So it goes without saying that we’re slowly plotting our revenge. Only problem is that they keep us too busy to follow through with anything. Below is some of what we’d do if these bastards would give anyone enough time to do it. Hopefully, you’ll have more luck.

Boards
The combination of a white P-tex base and a black permanent marker is just about the most beautiful thing in the world. Think of all the information people are missing out on-if only they could look up and read it as the chair whizzes by overhead. For example, maybe it’s time to tell everyone about your buddy’s obsession with hermaphrodites. This could also be a great opportunity to let public in on the “fact” that someone eats used toilet paper. The possibilities are endless. Have fun.

Other board-related smear tactics include slowly changing someone’s stance over a couple of days until it’s unrideable, shortening the ankle strap on the rear foot to leave them one footing, and swappin’ around someone’s ergonomic bindings so they try to strap their left foot in the right binding and so forth.

Clothes
You can’t go wrong with the classic itching-powder-in-the-long johns routine. It’s quite possibly the easiest of them all as well. Every town has a store that sells useless crap like whoopee cushions and paddleball sets-head in there, grab a bag of itching powder, and spread it liberally about the crotch panel of the victim’s first layer. Then all you have do is try to control the laughter as they scratch away like a two-bit hooker.
If you don’t like that technique, try shaving cream in the gloves, or color in the foam on a person’s goggles with permanent marker, causing a ring around the face effect.

Boots
This is our personal favorite canvas for the art of jokes. We’re not quite sure why, but nothing makes us laugh harder than watching someone’s face as they put their foot into a boot full of mayonnaise-must be because most people don’t ever look inside before putting them on. Give this one a try: go to the local grocery store and buy the stinkiest cheese they have. Next, slide a couple slices in between the shell and liner of homey’s boot. Within a week his/her feet will be smellin’ like Scotty Wittlake’s (which is as bad as it gets). Don’t be afraid to try different versions of this, such as thinly sliced fish filets or any kind of flat, putrid garbage.
Other suggestions are taking out a person’s liners, screwing their boots to the floor, wall, or ceiling, and then putting liners back in-or switching up the boot liners (i.e., left liner in right boot and vice versa).

Packing
Most folks pack the night before leaving on a trip, making their bags a great target while they sleep. Here’s one we interns like to do to all the “real” staff before they leave us rotting in our cubicles. Root around your house, finding the heaviest non-bulky items you can. As the jet-setter sleeps, stuff as much of this crap in the bottom of whatever luggage might be checked on. Stay away from carry-on bags because most people look in those before reaching the final destination. The magic happens when, upon arrival, the bags are opened to reveal they’ve been toting around iron skillets and 1,000-watt car amps. Oh yeah, and make sure the stuff is worth keeping so they don’t just toss it-nothing better than a joke that lasts a week or more.
You could also replace all the underwwear with thong bikini briefs for men or gigantic granny panties for women. Or for some real fun, give the guys grandma’s drawers-listening to him trying to explain why he has size-40 panties will be worth all efforts.