Tiny People

Yo mama’s like Crazy Eddie-she’s practically giving it all away! Yo mama’s got so much dandruff, the lice have to wear snow boots. I would have been your daddy, but the guy in front of me had exact change. Yo mama’s so … okay we can’t go there. Thought we’d share a little comedy with y’all before we lull you to sleep with 8,000 contest announcements! (Our heartfelt thanks go out to the blessed soul who faxed us all those jokes. May a snowstorm park itself over your home mountain all winter.)

Due to snowboard mag lag time, by the time you read this you may or may not be too late to enter the Fifteenth Annual Legendary Banked Slalom, January 29—31, 1999. As many as 102 spots will be drawn in an open lottery on December first, so for your last-minute entry form, call (360) 734-6771 today, Jackie! This year the always-popular weenie roast has been moved to Friday night and upgraded to a salmon BBQ in honor of dearly departed local Teal Copeland. So don’t be caught Saturday night standing alone in the parking lot holding your weenie. The other standard-setting contest others have yet to measure up to, the Seventeenth Annual U.S. Open, will be held March 18—22, 1999 at Stratton, Vermont. If you think you’ve got what it takes to compete against the living legends of snowboarding, call: 1-800-881-3138 or visit: www.usopen-snowboarding.com on the Web for information on how to enter.

The USASA National Championships will be held at Telluride, Colorado again this year. It’s not until April 6—12, though, so you have some time. The dates of the contest coincide with Telluride’s Free Ski, which takes place March 27—April 11 this year. Call: (408) 481-4012 or visit: www.usasa.org for more information on this as well as other USASA contests to be held throughout the winter. Putting the two organizations back to back in one paragraph is unintentional, but the USSA is hosting another three-stop Grand Prix this year. The nationally televised contests will be held at: Mt. Bachelor, Oregon, December 17-19; Copper Mountain, Colorado, January 7—10; and Sunday River, Maine, February 24-28. The total prize purse is 370,000 dollars, and the first-place prize money is the same for both men and women riders. Check out: www.usskiteam.com, or call: (435) 648-9090 for more info.

Will J.P. Walker be allowed to compete in the Winter X-Games? Does he even care? Don’t jump off chairlifts in Crested Butte-even if you can make the drop. The ski patrol doesn’t like it. (And if you can’t get enough of the X-Games, they’ve got videos and CDs and pencils with Rollerbladers on ’em available “at retail outlets everywhere.” Ooooh.) Be careful of non-sanctioned snowboard events, ’cause rumor has it that Michael Michalchuk‘s 10,000-dollar check for the Playboy Tour at Mount Snow, Vermont after the U.S. Open last season bounced. That’s just the word on the street, though, so don’t sue us if we’re wrong, Mr. Lawyerman.

The Innsbruck Air & Style will be held December 5, 1998 in … Innsbruck (Austria). You can’t enter this one, but you can go there and watch rippers like Terje, Michi Albin, Babs, Sebu, Rippey, Jamie Lynn, Daniel Frank, Peter Line, and Frank Screm (among others, maybe even Ingemar) huck it up for the 150,000-dollar big-air purse. It’ll feature two major rock-star bands as well as an after-contest party. And if you can’t make it to the actual event, you can watch it on the Internet live at: www.air-style.com. For more information, go to the Web site or phone: 43-512-2918-6123.

Phew. You still there?

Guesses for this season’s snowfall must be taken with a grain of Timberline salt, but Mt. Baker mountain-rover Amy Howat reports large numbers of spiders and woolly worms sighted-a sure sign of major dumpage! Of course it might all be in the form of rain, you never can tellWeather junkies can start following storm patterns of El Niño‘s overshadowed sibling, La Niña, on the Weather Channel‘s Web site: www.weather.com starting November 15. U.S. snow maps will be updated three times a day with snowfall forecasts, and daily snow and ski reports will be posted for resorts all over the world. Wooooo! The snow’s coming. Can you feel it? It’s about time to strap on that snowboard and jump around on the bed.

Here’s a story: All Dave Sypniewski wanted for his birthday was a good time. Luckily, his roomie, Marcus Egge was willing to put his chin on the line to give Dave just that. The September eve started with a skate session on the Boo-Ya ramp in Dave’s backyard where Marcus slammed his chin, cracking it wide open and shattering a couple of teeth. The two moved the festivities to the hospital, where Marcus’ chin was tied up in a pretty twelve-stitch ribbon and topped off with a shower of painkiller confetti. You know what happened next, right? (Nudge nudge, wink wink.)

When you see the Tech 9 crew roll up on your establishment, lock up your women and hide the liquor. They’ve recently been spotted in some fine men’s adult cabaret clubs in New York, getting … loose. Take it easy, guys. After months of rehab, Cole Taylor, the most recent member of the highback enema crew, can finally sit his no-longer-broken ass on a normal toilet seat. Congratulations, Cole. Snowboarder was just bought by a huge magazine conglomerate. Hah-hah! Don’t worry, guys, corporate ownership isn’t so bad. When it happened to us, all our salaries tripled. Shit, we got more Gs rollin’ in this place than Compton and South Central. (Does Lucas drive Mercedes? Yeah, yeah. Does Fos’ get the ladies? Yeah, yeah.) We suggest you demand the same.

Dub and Droors were just bought by World Industries. Nike is doing its best to slow the grind of a rumor mill that has them sponsoring everything from million-dollar contests to the second gunman on the grassy knoll in Dallas. At this point, swooshsayers have committed to a team of Barrett Christy, Julie Zell, and Rob Kingwill, and just inked deals with Blue Montgomery and Andy Wolf. Old-school race superstar Shannon Melhuse will act as rider/team manager. Internationally, Finnish Olympic front-runners Markus Hurme and Klas Vangen, and Swiss gold-medalist Gian Simmen are written in for the next four years, of course. Todd Richards re-signed to Airwalk. Devun Walsh, J.F. Pelchat, Mike Leblanc, Dionne Delesalle, Joel Mahaffey, Lance Pitman, Kale Stephens, Rob Dow, Max Jenke, Jacob McIntyre and Dave Cashen will all be riding for Iris Snow in the nine-eight/double-nine season. By this time, most of the team should have made its way through Canada on their drinking tour. Iris sends its apologies for any towns that may have experienced less than professional behavior from its team. Iris would also like to apologize for not giving Ruben Sanchez credit for taking the Devun-into-cliff-pocket photo that ran as an ad our first issue. Quiksilver has signed Joey McGuire and Jessica Dalpiaz. Rob Dow is now riding for Silence, and Rusty is no longer making snowboards.

“If God didn’t want people to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?”-Brian Thien. For those of you who read his spotlight in the October issue, you may have noticed Mike McEntire casually mention in the intro Brian’s ability to do frontside 720s to railslides. That was supposed to read “frontside 270,” but one of us idiots flipped the numbers in editing. He’s good, but come on now. Peter Alport, you have a pretty cool mom. We bet she embarrasses you from time to time, but her heart’s in the right place. Did you stomp that road gap? We can’t print the pictures, but we can send you free shit if you have proof of a landing. Write us. Brian and Shelly Savard are going to have a baby. It’s illegal to juggle in Hood River, Oregon without a license. Jason Brown is going to be a young Jedi in one of the upcoming Star Wars prequel movies (He’s an extra, but still, how cool is that?), and you have to use a ladder to get into Kevin Sansalone‘s new Toyota pickup. You have to be stronger than a tree to withstand the awesome pulling power of the power wench mounted on the front of it, too. Machinery. Rrrrrrr.

It’s hard to endorse something like this, because a book is never going to teach you how to snowboard (and it includes buttering-the-muffin in its “basic tricks” section), but The Illustrated Guide To Snowboarding by Kevin Ryan from Masters Press is the most comprehensive and cheese-free guide to snowboarding that’s ever crossed the TWS editorial desks. If you’re the kind of person who needs to read 300-plus pages of snowboard instruction before going out and learning how to snowboard the real and unavoidable way (i.e., busting your ass on the bunny slope), check it out. While we’re power-plugging: the new TransWorld Snowboarding Video Magazine, Snowblind, is out and kicks ass. (That’s an unbiased opinion, of course.) The new Whiskey video, The Party’s Over, will make you laugh more times than you can count. As of press time we haven’t seen the other videos yet, so check back next month for more “reviews.”

In his latest guerrilla PR move, Earl Miller, designer of the ski brake and now, the releasable snowboard binding, has sent off reams of printed material and a videotape touting the invention that virtually no snowboarder has asked for. While some of the arguments on tree-well suffocation and talus-bone stress are worth hearing, Miller spoils his case by grossly assuming his product would prevent any accident. Making paranoid accusations against snowboard manufacturers such as including an article on Jamil Khan’s death with “Killed while boarding for Burton,” crassly scribbled at the top with a marker isn’t very convincing, either. Miller also doesn’t explain how riders fare with pre-releasing or releasing during a fall. If the Miller Releasable does you right, let us know. Write to the magazine in care of Letters.

Technically speaking, is it an “Ozzy,” or a “Dio“? We’re claiming Dio, but Ozzy made the sign popular.

This just in from the newspaper we find on the front doorstep every morning: the number of banned substances might be increased for the 2000 Summer Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia. Australian IOC member Phil Coles said the current list of banned substances is too long and there have been calls to cut it, but it probably will grow anyway. The IOC added marijuana to that list over the summer after three people produced positive pee in Nagano, though only snowboard gold-medalist Ross Rebagliati’s name was offered up for public scrutiny. Still no confirmation on whether the IOC will add polygamy to the list for Salt Lake City, Utah’s 2002 Winter Games. Word has it that Huxtable McDermot has been ripping it in the pipe, and is a shoo-in for the gold in 2002-if he even decides to enter, that is.

The Woodstock Inn & Resort and Suicide Six, home of the first ever U.S. Open in 1982, is offering free skiing at Suicide Six for anyone who stays at the inn any night Sunday through Thursday. Call: (802) 457-1100 for more information. If you have 4,500 dollars to spare, some publicity company in New York can set you up with a Golf And Ski package. I don’t have enough money to buy burrito ingredients most nights, but whatever. Call us if you have that much money to throw away on a five-day vacation and we’ll help you spend it. What the hell’s u We can’t print the pictures, but we can send you free shit if you have proof of a landing. Write us. Brian and Shelly Savard are going to have a baby. It’s illegal to juggle in Hood River, Oregon without a license. Jason Brown is going to be a young Jedi in one of the upcoming Star Wars prequel movies (He’s an extra, but still, how cool is that?), and you have to use a ladder to get into Kevin Sansalone‘s new Toyota pickup. You have to be stronger than a tree to withstand the awesome pulling power of the power wench mounted on the front of it, too. Machinery. Rrrrrrr.

It’s hard to endorse something like this, because a book is never going to teach you how to snowboard (and it includes buttering-the-muffin in its “basic tricks” section), but The Illustrated Guide To Snowboarding by Kevin Ryan from Masters Press is the most comprehensive and cheese-free guide to snowboarding that’s ever crossed the TWS editorial desks. If you’re the kind of person who needs to read 300-plus pages of snowboard instruction before going out and learning how to snowboard the real and unavoidable way (i.e., busting your ass on the bunny slope), check it out. While we’re power-plugging: the new TransWorld Snowboarding Video Magazine, Snowblind, is out and kicks ass. (That’s an unbiased opinion, of course.) The new Whiskey video, The Party’s Over, will make you laugh more times than you can count. As of press time we haven’t seen the other videos yet, so check back next month for more “reviews.”

In his latest guerrilla PR move, Earl Miller, designer of the ski brake and now, the releasable snowboard binding, has sent off reams of printed material and a videotape touting the invention that virtually no snowboarder has asked for. While some of the arguments on tree-well suffocation and talus-bone stress are worth hearing, Miller spoils his case by grossly assuming his product would prevent any accident. Making paranoid accusations against snowboard manufacturers such as including an article on Jamil Khan’s death with “Killed while boarding for Burton,” crassly scribbled at the top with a marker isn’t very convincing, either. Miller also doesn’t explain how riders fare with pre-releasing or releasing during a fall. If the Miller Releasable does you right, let us know. Write to the magazine in care of Letters.

Technically speaking, is it an “Ozzy,” or a “Dio“? We’re claiming Dio, but Ozzy made the sign popular.

This just in from the newspaper we find on the front doorstep every morning: the number of banned substances might be increased for the 2000 Summer Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia. Australian IOC member Phil Coles said the current list of banned substances is too long and there have been calls to cut it, but it probably will grow anyway. The IOC added marijuana to that list over the summer after three people produced positive pee in Nagano, though only snowboard gold-medalist Ross Rebagliati’s name was offered up for public scrutiny. Still no confirmation on whether the IOC will add polygamy to the list for Salt Lake City, Utah’s 2002 Winter Games. Word has it that Huxtable McDermot has been ripping it in the pipe, and is a shoo-in for the gold in 2002-if he even decides to enter, that is.

The Woodstock Inn & Resort and Suicide Six, home of the first ever U.S. Open in 1982, is offering free skiing at Suicide Six for anyone who stays at the inn any night Sunday through Thursday. Call: (802) 457-1100 for more information. If you have 4,500 dollars to spare, some publicity company in New York can set you up with a Golf And Ski package. I don’t have enough money to buy burrito ingredients most nights, but whatever. Call us if you have that much money to throw away on a five-day vacation and we’ll help you spend it. What the hell’s up with golf, anyway? Couldn’t be that everybody in the whole world’s taking it up, is it? You could be original and take up shuffleboard or tiddlywinks or something, but then no one would be able to appreciate your originality because they’d all be playing golf, wouldn’t they? We understand.’s up with golf, anyway? Couldn’t be that everybody in the whole world’s taking it up, is it? You could be original and take up shuffleboard or tiddlywinks or something, but then no one would be able to appreciate your originality because they’d all be playing golf, wouldn’t they? We understand.