The Shitty Interns

You can put it in front or around back, we don’t really care which. ‘S yer letters. Yeah. Whole pile of ’em. Audible belly scratching Gotta get to those. One a these dazzzzzze … Yawn

Excuse the contrivance. There is a pile all right, but it’s not letters. It comes out eight times a year and you’re holding it. In our continuing devolution from Angry¿ and taking it out on you, we’ve hit bottom. As in downstream. Where it all ends up.

Before we tell you why, think about going to your favorite resort on an average-no, wait-above-average day. Imagine the drive’s pollution shooting out the ass-end of your SUV over clean, white, newly fallen snow. Think about pulling up in the lot and dumping your disposable coffee cup in the trash on the way to the lift. Imagine the lift chugging away; hoisting everyone to high heaven; smog belching out of its stove top into bluebird skies and billowy clouds that build and spew it back down over the landscape in a thick, gooey deposit.

Remember the pizza slice and Coke you got gouged for in the resort cafeteria, or more importantly their manufactured serving vessels, surreptitiously stuffed in a bulging trash can-hauled out later to a bulging trash bin? Never forget the fun, but ponder the quick pinch squeezed on your way out the door and down the hill-you and everybody. Parking lot empty now except for giant crows digging through plastic and pavement for soggy bagels. Empty as summer when the snow-melt carries the garbage and the contents of those convenient electronic toilets all back down to where you live.

Running down gutters ’til we’re awash in it. Swallowed by salmon served on a pulp paper plate for too much money in the resort cafeteria. We’ll be eating it if we can’t reduce our dependence on the disposable. Learn to love our waste-rethink its very form for reuse. A good start in making useful material out of crap with your letters off the World Wide Waste, itself-the flow pipe for brain droppings, electronically flushed, convenient as the push of a button.

We’re backstroking in your outflow like an Olympic-sized pool of baked beans. The first word in funny is “fun!” Figure out what the first word is in “shitty.” Somebody light a match!

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chillitrue9@worldnet.att.net

This was sent to us. Mom! We swear!

Please print this in your mag if you want your sales to increase greatly! Also I have never had anything spectacular happen in my life, printing this would make my year (or just my name in Tiny Type would be cool, too). Please help me out.

If you guys/gals get around to reading this letter and actually put it in your mag, you will be helping out all the readers who really read your articles and don’t just look at the wonderful pictures. I found out from personal experience that good ol’ Dry Stick deodorant can act as an excellent way to give speed when applied to lagging snow slowboards. Experiment around and try to find the ultimate deodorant. Why pay for wax when you can kill two birds with one stone, leave the house smelling good and give your board some killer speed right now!

Bob Dole 5@aol.com

We’re just imagining you riding through the trees leaving a stinky yellow streak behind in your turns. We laughed reading you describe Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, and Richard Nixon together as “See no evil, hear no evil, and evil,” but you still don’t get our vote.

I’ve been riding for four years, and ever since I started all I hear is how much snowboarders are oppressed or whatever bullshit. They say how skiers don’t respect them and how mountains don’t let them ride everywhere, I’m not saying that certain places (e.g., Vail, etc.) don’t let us ride, but a majority of untains let us ride anywhere we want, and when I hear little shitheads write about how they’re not appreciated or whatever crap they’re writing, it bothers me. And another thing, I’m also sick of little assholes who write about how sick they are of skiers riding on the park or in the halfpipe.

micahsherman@usa.net

Portland, Oregon

Duh. Recycling thoughts can be a great thing, but try to make them, like, from this decade.

We Heard You Liked NUDE CHEERLEADERS,

We Heard You Wanted SEX STORIES,

We Heard You Wanted HOT LATINAS,

We Heard You Liked CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS,

We Heard You Wanted COUPLES,

We Heard You Wanted EXTREME HARDCORE,

We Heard You Wanted HUNDREDS OF TOP PORN STARS …

We Heard You Liked BIG-

dublin8iu9@worldnet.att.net

We heard you can’t get away from this stuff on the ‘Net, and “they” were right.

Hello TWSNOW, we’re writing because we have to send e-mail for tech class, which we dislike very much. Thank you for your time.

Josh McGraw, Blake Morin

trimtec@nbnet.nb.ca

And for this you get credit? Take pride in your shitwork, even if it’s acting like a couple of poorly educated, lazy smart-mouths.

Hey TWS, here is a drawing I did a while ago for a poster and have been trying to sell to companies of snowboarding and skateboarding, but not much luck in my case. Anyway, check it out, it’s a trippy picture with hidden pictures in it that I draw in about a month with pen and color pencils. But it’s all cool.

Justin Cunningham, age seventeen

Boise, Idaho

Nice picture. The alternative to commodifying your art is to simply put it in a place where others can enjoy it. And although your attempt to recycle a worn-out phrase like, “It’s all good,” is appreciated, the correct term is now, “It’s all Spice¿.”

I am angry that llamas don’t snowboard, I mean no one ever considers the llamas. What if they have always dreamed about snowboarding but never have been given the chance? I feel for them. And what about the armadillos? They have built-in ollie protection, but no one ever gives them a chance, either! It just makes me so upset to think of all of the snowboarding-deprived animals of the world.

Sunflr07

… But think of the great boots they make!

I triple-dog-dare you to print this. My name is Josh Haske and I think you’re all queer. Snowboarding is for losers who can’t play basketball. Jocks kick all your asses. Later.

MISTERGUT@aol.com

It is a fact that wildlife leave droppings wherever it’s convenient. If you’re really quiet at the end of this you can hear the sound of a bully-coward depositing, then running away from the unsupervised keyboard.

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chub4t2e@worldnet.att.net

If you people can’t keep your Facials straight from your Anals, we’re investing in a V-Chip.

I am writing this hoping that I will one day see this corny letter among the plethora of other lame-ass shitty letters bobbing in your toilet of a magazine. If this is not printed I pray that all of you have burning Taco Bell diarrhea for the rest of your worthless lives.

Sincerely, The Shit

Easton, Massachusetts

sherbaca@ici.net

Sincerely, are you The Shit? If so, your name comes up in snowboarding a lot.

All you Angry Interns¿ people do is write things that make you look tough. But all you are is shit. Quit trying to be a cool guy and quit bashing TWS-they do more for snowboarding than any of you homos. By the way, TWS is the best mag on the planet. Please put this in the Angry Interns¿ to show them they’re all hacks.

stpeter@agt.net

Oh how right you are! To come to terms with our crappy lot, we decided to quit talking shit and be it. First, we ate a whole bunch of tabouli. Then we vacuumed. Finally, still bloated with bulgar wheat, we sat down to answer your letters and let ‘er rip.

I was just reading some of your old shit, and you guys are f-kin’ funny! Do you have a real job? Keep up the good work, and don’t let your ass get sore!

Mari

terryv@telusplanet.net

The easiest way to rectify that is by not letting the door hit you where the good Lord split you!

Taper one off our way: The Shitty Interns¿, 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. FAX: (760) 722-0653, e-mail: The colon you blow may be yourbloated with bulgar wheat, we sat down to answer your letters and let ‘er rip.

I was just reading some of your old shit, and you guys are f-kin’ funny! Do you have a real job? Keep up the good work, and don’t let your ass get sore!

Mari

terryv@telusplanet.net

The easiest way to rectify that is by not letting the door hit you where the good Lord split you!

Taper one off our way: The Shitty Interns¿, 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. FAX: (760) 722-0653, e-mail: The colon you blow may be your