By Those Tin Shed Rejects

Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll will not be found in this edition of the Indecent Interns. The only exciting activity our readers consistently participate in is snowboarding. The sniveling dribble dropped onto paper from your pens contains no mass appeal. Print-worthy material should contain titillating sensuality directed at attracting the inner core of any reader.

Do you know who we are? We perpetuate the idea that the pen is mightier than the snowboard. We have proved ourselves on the snow and have landed behind computer screens to continue to fight the good fight. Our target enemy is the worthless watery diarrhea that spews from readers’ pens. We’d like to take this opportunity to give you an example of what NOT to write, which unfortunately composes about 99 percent of the mail we receive.

I’m sooo cool. All my friends tell me I should be sponsored, but I’m a poor lazy bastard, so you guys need to send me free gear. I’m in jail. You guys screwed this caption up, you guys named that sequence wrong. You guys have too many pictures of this or not enough coverage of that … BLAH, blah, BLAH … WHINE, whine, wine.

It’s enough to make an intern join the TCM¿ and go postal. Help us help you. If you find it absolutely necessary to write an inquiry or comment, please have a point. Despite our continued pleas for quality, we are fearful that the inundation of ignorant spew will last forever.

Next time you think about writing to this, or any other publication, think twice, think thrice, think 420 times, think about it as many times as it takes until you realize that your petty little ideas are pointless. Nobody cares! We are the ones with the power and knowledge, not you.

Here are some barely above-mediocre letters that don’t really even make the cut, but will keep little kids less than halfway entertained. Read on.

For Christmas, my dad bought me a season pass to the nearest mountain. It really was the gift that kept on giving. Anyway, this took lots of time away from my girlfriend. This pissed her off, but what pushed her over the edge was when I forgot her birthday and went snowboarding. When I got home, she was gone-and my boarding clothes were all cut up laying on the floor, and my ’98 Floater 58 was upside-down, with her name carved in the bottom real deep and wide, beyond repair. It was a death sentence.

Now I sit at home on the weekends and read TransWorld, watch movies, and my season pass just sits on the TV. What is a guy to do?

Chuck Holy

Woodland, Washington

Quit your sniveling. It’s time to sack up and enjoy the pleasures of riding in the buff. Ride, knowing that whenever you stomp huge, you’ll be leaving behind an imprinted memory of your crafty jaded former lover. What you need to do is get that bee-yotch on Springer and spank her butt legally.

I was riding some epic powder through the trees one day when I happened upon two squirrels enjoying a leisurely afternoon f-k. Upon being spotted, Ms. Squirrel squeaked what was probably, “You pervert!” in squirrel. Mr. Squirrel was finishing when she disconnected. How do I know? His jizz landed on my goggles, to my disgust. Next time I ride through the trees, I’m packing an automatic BB gun. REVENGE. Oh yeah, we’ll meet again. You ruined my life, Mr. Gray Squirrel. I’m not a homosexual. I’ll have revenge.

Sean Arron

Tahoe, California

We are amazed at Mr. Squirrel’s trajectory. Never mind shooting the furry little bastard with a gun, you need to take your lady into the woods and spray your liquid love all over his whole world!

I’m fourteen years old and have been snowboarding for almost three years. I know that I’m goo enough for sponsorship, but I could use some support. Last weekend I landed my first rodeo flip. I’ve already passed up all the friends I started snowboarding with. They’re working on 360s, while I go huge landing 0s with my eyes closed. The only problem is, I have no money and no way of getting to the ski resorts. Although my snowboarding progresses very fast, it is however slowing down-I only got up to snowboard twice this year. I did get a Forum Peter Line 151. It’s so cool! But, my boots and bindings suck. If you could help me in any way, I would be super stoked. I know I will be good enough to be sponsored in two easy years.

Ben Fitzpatrick

Bethell, Washington

You rock! I’m glad your realizing something everyone here in the SNOWboarding office has known all along, snowboarding is cake! It took us less than half as much time riding to get our seven’s dialed. Those clowns you ride with sound like a bunch of kook foolios. If they can’t even stick their three’s, ditch those wankers and come party down with us.

Last week I was riding in a gully where there’s a nice kicker over this small road. We had been riding an hour when this cop pulled up and asked us to unstrap, so we did. Then the asshole snatched our snowboards (Atlantis 144 and Silence 140, both new) and shoved them in the back of his car. He walked back over to us and wrote both of us tickets for $210. Then he said we were violating some code and that we could pick up our boards at the station. My friend and I walked down the hill to our car and drove the twenty minutes to the station. We went in and they said that the officer I had described was off duty an hour and a half ago. Feeling raped of our freedom to ride, we left. The next day my mom went down to the station and the officer said that it never happened. The search for our boards continues. Lately, I’ve been working my ass off to get a new board, and the only thing to keep me from going crazy is your sick magazine. Thanks TransWorld! Twenty-two days and counting.

Joe Ahlers

Faribault, Minnesota

Look at the ticket a little closer. He probably confiscated your boards cause they were too small, you dumbass. On the other hand this could be another example of the man abusing his power. Was up wit dat?

I am twelve and have been told by lots that I’m an awesome skateboarder. The problem is, people have invited me to go snowboarding before, but since I’m a skateboader, I have no snowboarding equipment. I think I’d be a good snowboarder, but the truth is, I can’t afford the equip! Even if you don’t publish this in a magazine, please fax back with a suggestion!

Unsigned

P.S. Please don’t publish this, but do fax back! Please.

Get a job, you bum! By the time I was your age I had ten jobs. I was a dishwasher, a paperboy, a fluffer in snuff films, a waterboy, pool cleaner, dog walker, contraband distributor, busboy, author, and wanker and I still had time to school heads in the snow- and skateparks. Get off your lazy ass and earn some duckets. Looking to us for a handout is like telling the Forum team not to spin-that shit ain’t gonna happen.-Jamaican intern Bob

This January my friends and I went to a local resort that just got three feet of fresh powder. It was a really clear day, so we decided to hike up to Point Six, a mountain fairly close to the resort. It was a very, very long and tiring hike. When we got to the summit I set my board down and sat down. When I got up, I saw some skiers coming up the trail, they came and sat near my board. One of them moved my board, and the next thing I saw was my board going down the mountain heading for the trees. I had to hike down and look for it, but never found it. Remember, ALWAYS hold onto your board, I had to find that out the hard way, and now my season is over.

T.J. Migneault

Missoula, Montana

T.J., T.J., T.J., Don’t be so selfish. If you love something, set it free. Maybe, if you let your deck ride on its own every once in a while, it wouldn’t have taken off down the hill. We always let our boards do whatever they want, and they stay happy and keep you happy.

I want a snowboard to replace my old Burton that’s like a million years old, with dysfunctional bindings, the end chopped off, and a chip. So here’s a little poem that I thought up a minute ago,

Roses are red

Violets are blue, duh!

Where’s my f-kin’

Snowboard from you?

Actually, you could put me on a surfboard, skate, or snowboard- I’ve tried to do each once. Skating and snowboarding are my favorites, even though I live three blocks away from the beach. I am also trying to start a band, but have not had much luck.

All I know is I hate this dream that I will be another nobody! I’m going to make myself known for something! Even if I’m just a name. Sarah Butterfield

Newport, Oregon

Sarah, today is your lucky day. Our resident Bailey look-alike, Mr. Dave Sypniewski, is going to be teaching “Just A Name 101″ at Sandy Shores Community College. Apply now, because space is limited.

Ya know, I think every day, all people think about is sex. But all I ever think about is winter and snowboarding. And I wanna let you know your magazine kicks major butt!

Ryan Nedegaard

Blaine, Minnesota

Yeah, you’re right sex is all we ever think about. Sex with your mom, which is how we made you, poseur loser. Just joshin’ with ya, Ryan, we’re actually all virgins, which is how we became interns. Only the most pure snowboarders are allowed to write for this publication. Our abstinence helps us concentrate on more important things, like how many rails we can bust/bonk before our next big meeting.

I recently went to Mount Centipede in New Hampshire with my brand-new Burton snowboard. I went off a jump and attempted a backflip tailgrab, but of course, I didn’t land it (I never do). Then this asshole skier comes off the jump and lands right on top of me and breaks my snowboard in half. After that he looked at my snowboard, then at my pissed-off face, and went down pretty damn fast. So if whoever the f-k it was that hit me is reading this (which I doubt because he isn’t cool enough to read TWS), then I just want to say, “F-k you, bitch!”

John Marco

Easthampton, Massachusetts

That was me, dude-and let me tell you something, you suck knutts. What the hell were you tryin’ to do, kill yourself? My grandma hucks better than you, then again she’s 6’2″ 250 pounds.

I was at Snow Summit when I went off a jump and got stuck in a tree. At first I was like, “No sweat, I’ll jump down.” So when I tried, I realized I couldn’t because my leg was stuck. I was scared I would starve to death, because all I had was a three-year-old Power Bar. After about thirteen days of munching on that, I got hungry again, so I summoned this skier over to my new domain, and I asked him if he could go buy me a four-dollar hot dog. He said sure. I pulled out my wallet, but when I pulled it out, it fell down to the ground. Can you believe the little bitch took my wallet and ran, and that shit had my season-pass money in it? After realizing I’d probably never eat or sit down again, without taking action, I decided to do so. I freed myself by gnawing through the branch my leg was stuck in. I jumped down and went to the toilet. Do you know how hard it is to hold your business for thirteen days? I don’t think so.

Jared Witty

Tujunga, California

Your name says it all, Mr. Witty. By surviving a thirteen-day-long mission, you have indirectly paid tribute to this, our first issue of Volume Thirteen. /I>

I want a snowboard to replace my old Burton that’s like a million years old, with dysfunctional bindings, the end chopped off, and a chip. So here’s a little poem that I thought up a minute ago,

Roses are red

Violets are blue, duh!

Where’s my f-kin’

Snowboard from you?

Actually, you could put me on a surfboard, skate, or snowboard- I’ve tried to do each once. Skating and snowboarding are my favorites, even though I live three blocks away from the beach. I am also trying to start a band, but have not had much luck.

All I know is I hate this dream that I will be another nobody! I’m going to make myself known for something! Even if I’m just a name. Sarah Butterfield

Newport, Oregon

Sarah, today is your lucky day. Our resident Bailey look-alike, Mr. Dave Sypniewski, is going to be teaching “Just A Name 101″ at Sandy Shores Community College. Apply now, because space is limited.

Ya know, I think every day, all people think about is sex. But all I ever think about is winter and snowboarding. And I wanna let you know your magazine kicks major butt!

Ryan Nedegaard

Blaine, Minnesota

Yeah, you’re right sex is all we ever think about. Sex with your mom, which is how we made you, poseur loser. Just joshin’ with ya, Ryan, we’re actually all virgins, which is how we became interns. Only the most pure snowboarders are allowed to write for this publication. Our abstinence helps us concentrate on more important things, like how many rails we can bust/bonk before our next big meeting.

I recently went to Mount Centipede in New Hampshire with my brand-new Burton snowboard. I went off a jump and attempted a backflip tailgrab, but of course, I didn’t land it (I never do). Then this asshole skier comes off the jump and lands right on top of me and breaks my snowboard in half. After that he looked at my snowboard, then at my pissed-off face, and went down pretty damn fast. So if whoever the f-k it was that hit me is reading this (which I doubt because he isn’t cool enough to read TWS), then I just want to say, “F-k you, bitch!”

John Marco

Easthampton, Massachusetts

That was me, dude-and let me tell you something, you suck knutts. What the hell were you tryin’ to do, kill yourself? My grandma hucks better than you, then again she’s 6’2″ 250 pounds.

I was at Snow Summit when I went off a jump and got stuck in a tree. At first I was like, “No sweat, I’ll jump down.” So when I tried, I realized I couldn’t because my leg was stuck. I was scared I would starve to death, because all I had was a three-year-old Power Bar. After about thirteen days of munching on that, I got hungry again, so I summoned this skier over to my new domain, and I asked him if he could go buy me a four-dollar hot dog. He said sure. I pulled out my wallet, but when I pulled it out, it fell down to the ground. Can you believe the little bitch took my wallet and ran, and that shit had my season-pass money in it? After realizing I’d probably never eat or sit down again, without taking action, I decided to do so. I freed myself by gnawing through the branch my leg was stuck in. I jumped down and went to the toilet. Do you know how hard it is to hold your business for thirteen days? I don’t think so.

Jared Witty

Tujunga, California

Your name says it all, Mr. Witty. By surviving a thirteen-day-long mission, you have indirectly paid tribute to this, our first issue of Volume Thirteen.