Flip through this magazine you’re holdin’. Do you notice that every month there’re more and more ads that have nothing to do with actual snowboarding? Come on, hair dye? Close-ups of overweight men with their shirts off? What the hell does that have to do with shreddin’? Sure, these companies are bringing more money to “the sport”–yada, yada, yada. But besides plastering their logo in prime camera angles, are they really achieving anything?
Us interns have been talking, and we came to the conclusion that what these big corporate companies need is a face to match the product. Not just a hot shred pushin’ whatever it is they’re selling. They need one who actually matches the crap they’re peddlin’. So in between doing everyone’s dirty work, we came up with a list of sponsorships we’d to see. If it pisses anyone off–oh well. What are they going to do–fire us? Hahahahahahaha.
Paavo Tikkanen: The Betty Ford Clinic–Some people have a little trouble with the firewater.
Janna Meyen: Crown Royal–She bathes in the stuff.
Scott E. Wittlake: Tide–He owns two shirts and neither have ever seen a washing machine.
The Entire Jeenyus Team: Milk–Never has a whole team collectively swung from the udders as well as them.
Louie Fountain: Ringling Brothers And Barnum & Bailey Circus–The boy is a carney.
JP Walker: Mystic Tan–Gotta keep that base year round.
Iikka Backström: Ritalin–pHyper ain’t the word to describe what he’s got goin’ on.
Mikey LeBlanc: An Anger Management Specialist–Watch his part in Shakedown, you’ll get the point.
The Wildcats: 24 Hour Fitness–That way they could hang out with all the other jocks.
Jon Kooley: The Western Belt Company–Maybe then his pants wouldn’t be around his ankles.
Marc Frank Montoya: Trojan Condoms–How many kids does one guy need?