A lot of superheroes come from outer space. There’re also the superheroes who were just normal people until some freak science experiment or accident changed them. I’m not exactly sure how or when I got my superpowers, because they only became apparent to me last summer while I was on a two-day motorcycle ride with my biker pal David. Our first stop was at a Kmart in Santa Cruz. Out of necessity, I bought jeans that were exactly like the ones David was getting. Our twenty-seventh stop (seventeen hours later) was at Taco Bell in Sacramento. While ordering Nachos Bell Grande using fragmented sentences, my right hand overexaggerating every word I spoke, I realized I’d turned into my biker pal David. I was just like Rebecca Romain-Stamos in X-Men, only I wasn’t blue-but I do have “man breasts.”
While coming up short at Mt. Hood last week, I got to thinking-why hadn’t I been using my superpowers to become a better shredder? After some brief recollections, I remembered about eight years ago when I was trying to do a Taipan over my head. I had the board Brushie rode and even curled my lip like him. (Marc Egge and Chris Owen still laugh at me for that.) Then I got to thinking-maybe the person I want to morph into must be present in order for the transformation to be complete. That was a good theory, ’til I remembered the day last year when I was trying to do backside rodeos with Jason McAlister. Even after he explained how he was doing them, my attempts looked more like a spawning salmon. Jason, too, has joined in with the laughing.
Am I like one of the Mystery Men? Does my power only work a certain way? Maybe it was because my pants weren’t tight like McAlister’s. Maybe it’s a combination of dressing like the person and being around them that triggers my powers. But the more I think about it, even though I was dressed like and spoke like my biker pal David, I still couldn’t do burnouts.-David “At Least I Don’t Slit The Bottoms Of My New Pants” Sypniewski