Features 14.7: Tara Dakides Intro

Defining Tara Dakides By Nathan Yant with excerpts from Tina Basich, Mack Dawg, and Kevin Jones

I tried to get all creative and fresh, but a phone call from Tara confirmed my worst fear-the intro I’d written was coming up short. She was right: a story about a nonchalant one-eyed lizard, a depressed obese bunny rabbit, and a schizophrenic house cat had absolutely nothing to do with her interview. I’ve lost many friends to intros twice as good, and I wasn’t about to let it happen again. I racked my brain day and night, but there was nothing. Then I finally came to this conclusion … it is impossible for a mere mortal to single-handedly sum up a person as unique and complex as Tara Dakides. There, I did it-I admitted defeat. Now all I wished for was death.

I opened my medicine chest and grabbed a family-sized bottle of Flintstone’s chewables and poured them into my mouth. I was going to end it all the healthiest way I could-by O.D.ing on children’s vitamins. I knew it was the cowardly thing to do, but for once, my mind was made up. I had swallowed the last of the chalky tablets when what I’d been searching for all along finally dawned on me. I grabbed a pen and scribbled the following on paper: Tara Dakides is quick and witty, beautiful and awe-inspiring, powerful and smooth, not afraid to take risks and always speaking her mind, an astounding athlete and a genuine friend, a move in the right direction for evolution or a creation by god who’s one step closer to perfection. That last one is kinda pushing it, but she’s pretty damn close.

Fortunately, those vitamins didn’t kill me-instead they just turned my pee really yellow.