After spending all your cash on totally dope gear for snowboarding, sometimes you just ain’t left with enough money to buy any food at the lodge. But don’t trip–by exploring the options below, you can feed your belly without having to return that ill fill in blank with dope company name visor beanie that cost you $75.95.
Sure, some of the following is unsanitary and a bit dehumanizing, but when you’re hungry, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Option 1. Improvise like you’re on Survivor.
Add a packet of ketchup to a cup of hot water, salt and pepper to taste, then spread a thin layer of mustard on a few of the free saltine crackers, and there you have it–tomato soup and finger sandwiches. If you’re really lucky you’ll score some free parmesan cheese to make tomato and cheese soup.
Option 2. Make friends with the cashier.
Look for a cashier who appears most likely to hate their job. Avoid the frat-boy-type snowboarder, these are usually rich kids who love nothing more than making poor people feel inferior. As you walk into the cafeteria, make small talk with said subject. This is especially easy if you’re a lady. Then fill your tray with goodies. When you get back to your new friend’s lane, smile and say, “Oops, I’ve seemed to misplace my wallet.”
Option 3. Make friends with the family who brought their lunches.
A good parent will always bring too much food, so sit close and say hello. Ask them if they’re having fun and tell them you saw their kids ripping it up on the slopes. When they notice you have nothing to eat, the polite thing for them to do is offer you some food.
Option 4. Recycle.
Grab a basket of fries from a tray someone didn’t bother clearing and search the place for more fries. Look under tables, in the trash, wherever. And when you have what appears to be the same portion of fries the cooks serve, take it up to the counter and complain that your fries are cold and you want different ones. If the cook simply throws your fries back in the fryer, eat ’em anyway–at least you’ll know the germs are dead and now they’re as good as new.
Option 5. Find a “Sugar Momma.”
TLC’s lyrics “I don’t want no scrub” are not entirely true. At any given resort there’s always a rich vacationing girl who would do anything to hang with a dirt-poor snowboarder. And what better way to get to know a “hardcore” dude than sharing a cheeseburger and a soda? Now, this one might take some effort, so be prepared to spend a lot of time coaching her on the run, getting intimate on the chairlift, and sharing the hardships of being raised by dirt farmers, before busting out, “I’m so hungry, but my food stamps fell through the hole in my pants pocket!”
Option 6. Be the “shred.”
Unfortunately, you’re gonna need a little talent for this one: either you’ll have to be really good at snowboarding or you’ll need to throw so much attitude when you’re chilling at the top of the park, that little kids will be fighting each other to buy you lunch. After the kid pays the cashier, give him a swift kick to the ass and tell him to hook you up with his older sister.