Gaze in wonder as pros siphon their bank accounts with no expectations of a healthy return. Welcome to Dumped And Kitted¿, an exciting new column that documents how snowboarding’s best invest in the worst– the ever-depreciating automobile.

TransWorld: What year is this thing?

Ali Goulet: It’s a 1990 Audi Coupe Quattro.

I remember it looked pretty conservative years ago, like a doctor’s car.

I guess it certainly isn’t half as wild as some biplane-kitted Type R Integra.

I always say rims make the car. Those HREs are out of hand, Goulet.

True, you can’t have such a built car with some subpar starter rim. I called up HRE Performance Wheels and had John Wallace custom-build some ill-forged wheels specifically for my brakes and offset.

What brakes are lurkin’ behind those big-ass rims?

Twelve-and-a-half-inch rotors being gripped by four-piston Brembo calipers, like those used on a twin-turbo Porsche.

What’s up with the body panels? That front end is all changed up.

The body panels are all custom-made to look like shark gills … yeah, right. The stylin’ of the car is based on a Porsche-tuned Audi wagon made in ’93 called the RS2. All the pieces are factory parts– bumper, hood, and mirrors. That way my kit is tight, not flopping around like some unfinished twelve-year-old’s model car.

What’s up with the interior? Tell me about the maintenance on that red suede Sparco wheel.

The interior is all custom–in-car Sony PS2, 50-disc changer, Global GPS, 3,000-watt stereo with four twenty-inch subwoofers … not really. It’s mostly stock inside, except the gauges have been swapped out for Euro S2 white-faced gauges, and boost, fuel pressure, air-to-fuel mixture, oil pressure, temperature and voltage have been added. As far as the wheel goes, it is high- maintenance, but it’s suede.

You’ve got a system in this thing?

I do have a system, but I was going to pull it and reinstall it in my TT. The Coupe makes its own music as it moves out.

You did an engine conversion. What was the horsepower before, and what’s it at now?

The original engine was a five-cylinder, twenty-valve naturally aspirated unit producing about 170 horsepower. The new engine is a five-cylinder, twenty-valve, turbo-charged jam capable of producing up to 900 horsepower, depending on the software you use. I can only afford software good for 420-plus horsepower.

I take it this car’s snow days are behind it. Is it gonna be a garage queen from here on out?

That’s right, I keep it in the garage and only break it out for canyon runs and big pimpin’.

How quick is this thing?

It runs the quarter mile in … shut the f–k up! It’s the fastest thing on the road on almost any day, even faster than your Porsche.

Is there another Quattro Coupe like this in America?

There is another that’s close, but mine is the most.

You’re a club racer.

I do some SCCA Sports Car Club of America stuff.

Are you an Audi club instructor?

I am also a Quattro Club instructor; we work with club members at all abilities on tracks across the U.S.

How many hours have you invested in Gran Turismo 2?

I have over 900 GT2 days logged–almost three video-game years. I’m runnin’ a contest related to GT2 on my Web site aligoulet.com– if you can beat me, you get a prize.

Do you feel it helps you in real-world driving?

Only if you have the presence of mind to apply it. Ya heard? Now beat it.