Angry Interns Guide To Snowboard-Company Branding

You wanna start a snowboard company, huh? Well, first off, let’s get something straight: Gimmicks do not work unless the company is well established or is a drug front. Lib Tech can come out with a board that has a wavy edge and pull it off, because that company has been here since day one and has an entire line of other boards. Get what we’re sayin’? Good.

So, that being said, the first thing you want to do is decide what kind of market this new trick stick is gonna be sold to. In case you didn’t realize, there seems to be only a handful of options. We’ve gone ahead and compiled a list for easier ridiculing.

Hi-Tech

Make sure your snowboards look like a 3-D topographical map. The more lumps in the topsheet the better. If it doesn’t require some sort of special binding or adapter, you’re not doing it right. Oh yeah, make sure you have a jacket with pockets for hi-tech devices that only .2 percent of the population can afford.

Art

Everybody’s an artist nowadays. You’ve got a friend who glues macaroni to dead animals? Take a picture of that shit and whammo-instant graphic. The best part about an “art”-based company is that you can do whatever the hell you want and write it off as eccentricity.

Hip-Hop

Ahhh shit! Graffiti artists are hotter than Flava Flav’s crack pipe right now. Finding one to do your topsheets should be as easy as a trip to the food court at your local mall. Look for the kid with a dirty mustache and gold chain-if he can’t do it, one of his friends can.

Rocker

Got five words for ya: skulls, skulls, and more skulls. Anything that you can’t fill in with skulls, just throw a modified pentagram or goat head into. Don’t forget-make sure your logo is ripped off from a band that only people over the age of 30 will recognize.

Rider Driven

Never forget, you’re in this for the kids-that’s why you’re selling them 500-dollar lunch trays and 300-dollar coats. Always remind everyone about how much fun snowboarding is and how all the other companies are trying to hold them down.

Non-Offensive

Whatever you do, do not take a stand. Go with whatever trends are hot, and as soon as you get a whiff of change, jump on the next thing like you were already there. Are the kids into Britney? Get her on board. Justin? He shreds-swoop him. The X-Games crowd is gonna eat it up.