Why are the Angry Interns ever beat-down and bitchy this month? Money-as usual, we have none. Whoever made up the saying “Money doesn’t buy happiness” was rich. Send the interns dinero-we’ll be happy … until it’s gone. We promise.

Problem is, these pro dudes stop by the office all day and they’re just strapped with cash-and they have no clue how to spend it. We have ideas: How about adopting a broke-ass twenty-year-old intern or two? We’re not asking for much, either-a well-used ’94 Volkswagen GTI sixteen-valve and a gas card would suffice. Caring is sharing, but no, these clever jerk-offs are far more inventive with their ridiculous money-spending tactics.

Yo Son, Pimp My Sled

If you’re really loaded, you may actually have to invent new categories to support your personal money expenditures. After an attempt to purchase a Bentley off DC founder Ken Block fell through, JP Walker quickly devised a new wallet-lightening scheme. And we certainly don’t want him sitting on an oversized George Costanza wallet-he could throw his back out.

“Dude, let’s pimp my snowmobile!” Yeah, you heard it here first, the brainiac went and kitted out his snowmobile. It started innocently enough with an alligator-skin seat. Then came the remote start-for those chilly mornings when you’d rather not leave the warmth of a Toyota Tundra. Here’s the part that pisses us off-he’s got an iPod hook-up complete with amps and subwoofers-on a snowmobile. We’re still saving for an iPod Nano!

Want to find the Forum crew in Whistler’s vast backcountry? Just follow the DMX, kids. The out-of-bounds experience for ’06 is mad urban, bitches! Booyah!

Worlds Fastest Grocery Getter

Todd Richards picked himself up an Audi that’s so fast and rare that there are only four in the entire U.S. It’s been federalized, whatever that means … Dresser explained it like this: “Federalized means it’s really f-king expensive, kid.” Gee, thanks for the clarification dipshit.

Only a true East Coast mentality could justify spending nearly six figures on earth’s most understated grocery getter. I mean, hot-rod Todd is literally paying not to get any attention. My neighbors ‘Stang turns more heads than his √∂berwagon. Oh, sorry, it’s not a wagon, it’s an Avant-whatever.

The Angry Interns would spend 35K on a vintage banana-yellow Magnum P.I.-style Ferrari 308 GTB, and blow the rest in Cabo San Lucas!

Double Dubs

M.F.M. bought himself a new pimp mobile, too. His taxman told him to get something heavy and expensive as a business vehicle. Within’ days, that thug Marc had a top-of-the-line Range Rover: Silver with white leather interior and baby-blue piping-then it was promptly filled with Kicker speakers and amps.

You probably think we’re haters-and we are-but we haven’t gotten to the dumb stuff. Marc’s ride has 24-inch rims, but double-dubs don’t “go” in the snow. His ghetto fabulous 90K whip is parked in the front yard covered in white stuff. It’s probably parked on the grass, looking like an oversized marshmallow. This kid we know, knows another kid, who swears he saw M.F.M stuck in the parking lot at Park City Resort-after it snowed only two inches. Duhhhhh! Maybe he should buy another real truck to tow his Range Rover, towing his snowmobile. It’d be like a little train-choo choo! That would be straight gangster, ha, ha … Dang, do you think M.F.M. is going to kick our intern asses? Seriously?