Angry Interns 14.8

Hell yeah! We did it. We beat the system. We made it through an entire run of the magazine without doing an ounce of work. But what about everything you guys wrote about being overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated in the magazine, you ask? That was a clever ploy by Moesha, the smartest Intern of them all. She came up with the whole idea late one night while she was taxing one of her hos. Because our bosses never notice anything we do, except what we write, ol’ dirty Mo’ decided to create this faáade where she told us to write the column as though we were disgruntled employees and slaves to the grind.

Just as she thought, the suckers in middle management fell for it, and ever since then we’ve been on easy street. They feel so bad about how oppressed we sound in our column that they don’t ask us to do a single thing for them. Hell, we even got away with stealing more stuff from the office. Joey stole Shem’s mini refrigerator he used to store film and filled it with boas, Paco stole Mike’s Phish CDs, and I stole Leah’s Art Of Baking Birthday Cakes book. But best of all is what Moesha did: while the UPS man was flirting with one of the secretaries at the front desk, Moesha went behind the dude’s back and readdressed a box of goodies from Iris to Christina De Hos. Unfortunately, the box came back because Moesha didn’t have her correct address. So Christina, if you read this, fax us a copy of your driver’s license to (760) 722-0653 and we’ll resend your box. Until next year-the Angry Interns_!

Die Frenchi Die!
In light of your angriness, I’ve decided to relate to you some of my own anger. My family is currently hosting an exchange student from France. When she arrived, she told me that she goes to the Alps to ski every winter. When I told her I snowboard, she gave me a look like I was the one from the foreign country, not her. So just to be nosey, I asked her if she’d ever snowboarded. She calmly stated that snowboarders were all on meth and they were too stupid to ski. And then she added that when she tried snowboarding, she broke her wrist and vowed never to snowboard again. So I told her to piss off and went to read TW SNOW to relieve my stress.

Everything was fine until she decided that she had to be right. She was always on the war path to be right, and she barged right in to my room one day. I had my stereo on and was playing a tape a friend of mine had made so I could have some good tunes to board to. Right in the middle of our heated debate, I realized that Metallica’s “Fade Away” had stopped and I was listening to some French shit by someone who wanted to be Britney Spears. The little French bitch had taped over Metallica, not to mention, Full Devil Jacket, Two Skinny Jays, and Incubus. And she straight threw my Rage Against The Machine CD out the window.

Mom came home during our fistfight, so now I’m condemned to a life of housework, and the season hasn’t even started yet. Oh, yeah-French people don’t shave, wear deodorant, or change their clothes all week, and only bathe every two days. And she says snowboarders have no life, manners, or cleanliness skills. Grrrr. Until next time, find a way for me to be an Intern in a few years. I have enough suppressed anger for all ya’ll. I’m not from down south, I’m from Buffalo and I need a drummer for my band Pain In The Ass, P.I.T.A. for short, preferably a guy with a set of his own.
Christina De Hos
Formally Known As “Pissed-Off Bitch”

Because we’re supposed to be all politically correct and what not we won’t dare respond to your story. We will, however, say you are 100-percent right and all French exchange students should be immediately shipped back home.

I Love Marilyn Manson!
My name is Adam and I’m part of a new snowboarding revelation. A few associates and I are now part of a new dark journey on the mountain. We are very dark, depressing people, and we take no part in making the mountain a better place for anybody. Our passion is suffer by inflicting pain on ourselves and others both physically and mentally. I write to warn others of our presence and to say that through pain comes mercy, which there will be none of. Oh, yeah-prepare for eternal suffering!
The Prince Of Darkness

Just a word of advice, freaky deak-next time don’t write your name and return address on the envelope if you’re trying to pass as “The Prince Of Darkness.” We took the liberty of notifying your parents about the content of this letter. They sounded pretty pissed, too. Luckily, your doctor said this little negative attitude of yours is nothing a daily dose of Prozac won’t fix.

What A Doad!
I’m a 37-year-old male from Wells, Maine. I love your magazine. I’ve never really gone snowboarding, but I love the clothes and the image. I can be cool by wearing these clothes. I don’t get the eighteen-year-old hookers anymore, but hey, I’m married to a fat whore anyway. I wanted to say nice mag and that I’m still hip! Peace.
The Mikester
South Portland

Anyone who names themself the Mikester is an idiot. Hey Mikester, do you drive an IROC and have a mullet, too? Oh, and calling your wife a fat whore-that’s real clever … dipshit.

The Lonesome Midwest
Have you ever gone snowboarding in Chicago, or anywhere else in Illinois for that matter? Well, there isn’t much here, but there are people who have skills in the flatlands. It’s been my dream ever since I started snowboarding when I was nine years old to get sponsored and become a professional snowboarder. Nine years later, I feel I now have the ability to achieve my dream, but nobody is here to see me.

I live in a suburb just west of Chicago. We have some hills around here that get the job done: the closest is a four-run hill with four rope tows. Four Lakes Ski Hill does a good job of making a decent run for snowboarders that usually has some nice gaps and big tabletops. However, if I want to go to a real ski hill, I have to drive two to three hours to Wisconsin. But it seems like all the good sponsors look for people with talent in Colorado or Vermont. Since these places are about twenty hours away, it isn’t something I can go and do every weekend.

Even though the hills in my area are smaller, I can still do the same misty fives as Peter Line, or the same 720s as Todd Richards. I just want all the sponsors to know there are some people who can rip out here as well. You don’t need a huge mountain to be a top pro. I know I should take what I can get from the local store sponsors, but I would rather be at the top of the game with J.P. Walker or Jeff Brushie. I wish companies, such as Ride or Forum, would come out and check the talent from the flatlands of America as well.
Mike Morris
Westmont, Illinois

Mike, if you were really as good as you say you are, you wouldn’t have a problem finding a sponsor-they would find you. And there are plenty of pros who’ve come from the Midwest, we just can’t remember any of their names.

Wanted: Fruitbooter To Jump On Tramps
My chums and I were recently thinking of new ways to do a jib. One of my friends has a trampoline. We call it a tramp when his mom’s not in earshot. And he also has a twenty-foot, fully carbonized-chrome, two-inch-diameter, quarter-inch-thick, purty-looking rail with pink wax. It doesn’t snow much in the summer where I live. We’ve tried rollerblading at the local park, but our fingers were so sore from playing too much PokÇmon that we couldn’t grab our wheels. Also, we were made fun of a lot because of the outfits we were wearing. We were told they were the hippest thing to wear, but as it turns out, the fashion consultants at Wal-Mart were wrong. Then we discovered snow. We also discovered that the snowboard, which I was severely heckled for using on the hill, worked great on our tramp rail. Now we throw down the ill 450 nosepress no prob, and we can’t wait to hit up Snow Summit to show J.P. and Nate Dawg what’s up. Posse out.
Brian Cuddy
Tottenham, Ontario, Canada

We swore someone slipped us a hit or two when we read your letter. Rollerblading? PokÇmon? Are you high or something, Brian? You’re lucky we don’t fly up to Tottenham and knock some sense in to you.

Submissions to the Angry Interns_ can and most often are edited for clarity or sense. If you’ve got a problem with this, don’t bother sending anything to the Angry Interns_ at 353 Airport Road Oceanside, California 92054 or e-mailing to Angryinterns@twsnet.com.sse out.
Brian Cuddy
Tottenham, Ontario, Canada

We swore someone slipped us a hit or two when we read your letter. Rollerblading? PokÇmon? Are you high or something, Brian? You’re lucky we don’t fly up to Tottenham and knock some sense in to you.

Submissions to the Angry Interns_ can and most often are edited for clarity or sense. If you’ve got a problem with this, don’t bother sending anything to the Angry Interns_ at 353 Airport Road Oceanside, California 92054 or e-mailing to Angryinterns@twsnet.com.