Okay, for all you computer-literate dorks out there who’ve been made fun of for getting all tech after school, this Angry Interns_ is for you. That’s right, we’ve finally figured out how to tap into firstname.lastname@example.org and retrieve the e-mails you’ve sent us. There were thousands of letters that took us days to read. Our bosses kept telling us to fetch them coffee and doughnuts, but we told them reading what our fans and enemies wrote was way more important than catering to their spoiled asses and that they could piss off. So, my little techie buddies, keep sending in that encrypted data of yours and make sure your next letter is on one of these following topics: Why your boss hates you, why your boss is a doad, or why your boss sucks worse than any other boss in the whole world. If your letter manages to address this simple point, you’ll share the pages of a future Angry Interns_ with the likes of other disgruntled employees from all over the world.
Stucky And Snyder
Dear ugly Interns_ of TransWorld SNOWboarding, I’m writing to you with one intention, and that’s to demand of you a free board. My friend Tim Stucky broke his Ride Control 153 our first day of boarding last season. Tim just got done throwing a Cab 540 off of a sick eight-foot drop when some wack snowblader came flying down the mountain at the speed of light and ran into Tim. He splintered the topsheet and much of the wood core. The blader then took off down the hill. We were going to chase him down and beat him senseless, but on the way down the hill he fell so many times that by the time we got to him, he was totally jacked up-there wasn’t a part of his body not bruised. We then came to the conclusion that being a snowblader was punishment enough for the little bastard and released him to run home and cry to his mother. However, now Tim’s got no board, and you’re going to send him a new one. Any 153 Ride board will be fine. By the way, in case I didn’t stress it enough in the letter, you guys suck. You can send it to the following address:
Tim Stucky, c/o Joel Snyder
You guys are pretty funny telling us we suck, as if our bosses didn’t reiterate this point to us enough already. But you know what sucks even worse? Your little buddy Tim isn’t gonna have a new board from the ugly Interns_ to ride this year. Ha, ha! Who sucks now, fool?
Keep Tahoe Kook-Free
I just wanted to write a little bit about the scene here in South Lake Tahoe. I was raised here and love it. I really don’t thinkI’ll ever leave it again (I had to leave once to get some education). Let me tell you one thing about South Lake. The scene is burnedout! I see it year in and year out, and it’s always the same “bros” who come from all over the world to ride for the season. We’re even fortunate enough to have some of these scumbags stay around through the summer. So I’m gonna throw in my two cents-please don’t come up here and put a Kirkwood or Keep Tahoe Blue sticker on your car and think you’re local. There’s one more thing I have to mention. If you think you’re good-you probably aren’t. I know a lot of people who way back in the day were doing the tricks you’re doing, but in Sorrels and on 175 Gnus that must’ve weighed fifteen pounds. Oh yeah, whether you know it or not, if it weren’t for skiing and the progression it made with edges and P-tex, snowboarding wouldn’t be where it is today. Try skiing sometime-you’ll find out how easy snowboarding really is. Stay real and don’t forget your roots. This one’s for the real Tahoe locals, you know who you are, and as for neon, it’s coming back.Moe
South Lake Tahoe, California
Yeah Moe, we couldn’t agree with you more about all the kooks who leave the valley and cities for the mountains and try to claim local status. They’re especially out of place in areas like South Lake where they stick out like sore thumbs in bars such as My Cousin’s Joint or Lakeside Inn. They spray about their dope style to alll the ladies when the only riding they’ve ever done is in the SUVs their mommy and daddy bought them. Your letter is on point, except you forgot to mention those wack-ass “Kirkweed” shirts the insta-locs wear around. If they wore shirts that really represented their antics, they’d be rockin’ shirts that said “Krankwood” on them. One last thing, skiing is cool, but it sure as hell ain’t dope.
Help Me, I’m Burning
I have a question for you guys. Whenever I go riding, I get this burning sensation in my legs. I always stretch out before I go, but it doesn’t seem to help. Can you tell me what’s the matter with me?
Oh, kinda sounds like you’ve got a problem. Either you’ve got syphilis or your leg muscles are weak-luckily it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between the two. If it burns when you pee, you’ve got syphilis and you better get checked out at your local health clinic. But if you’re simply overexerting yourself, your leg muscles will fill up with lactose and begin to cramp, which in turn will give you a burning sensation. To avoid this, join the gym in the off-season and get your legs in shape. How’s that for knowledge? Dr. George ain’t got nothing on us.
To Jib Or Not To Jib-That Is The Question
I currently have a problem at my local mountain. I live in Washington where there’s no such thing as a jib or a jibbing park. Everyone just freerides, which is cool, but it sucks when it’s icy or there isn’t any powder. Whenever my friends and I set up a bench, rail, or picnic table to jib, ski patrol always tears it down before we can slide it. I’ve written many e-mails to people in charge at the resorts and have talked to the customer-service dudes, but they still refuse to build a jibbing park for the freestylers. What should I do?Dreaming of jibbing,
We guess we can tell you what not to do, and that is to wait around for your mountain to build you something to jib. What the hell do you mean there’s nothing to jib in Washington? No matter where you live, you can find something to jib. You can nosepress your sister’s boyfriend’s Camaro, lipslide the rail in front of your local welfare-department building, or nosebonk the stumps of a recently clear-cut forest. As your teachers probably tell you every day in school: Chris, perhaps you’re not applying yourself.
Letters sent to the Angry Interns_ can and most often will be edited for clarity, sense, punctuation, length, or just to make you look like a jackass. If you’re still interested, send as many as you like to the Angry Interns_, 353 Airport Road Oceanside, California 92054. We won’t make you rich, but we’ll make you famous within three years.