Angry Interns 14.5

Did you read that crap in the Letters column about how time flies-what a hoax. Maybe time flies for rich people living their perfect little lives, sitting around a table of their peers drinking Venti_ nonfat vanilla lattes from Starbucks, discussing their vacation to the French Riviera or the summer they spent as an exchange student in Italy. But no way in hell does time fly for the working person. When was the last time you heard someone who drains Porta Potties for a living sigh in disbelief, “Whew, time really flies.” They were more likely overheard saying, “Damn, this crap stinks.”

The reality of life is, crap does stink. As for the people who live life as if it’s all fine and dandy, they’re living in a dream world and need to wake up and smell the stench. Staying true to you readers and the hardworking, bitter people of this world, the Angry Interns_ will continue to deliver disgruntled responses to letters from people who have no concept of reality-enjoy!

It Must Be Something In The Water
It’s 10:00 am in Portland, Oregon and I’m honored and humbled by the opportunity to attempt my idea for a Web site to my fellow Americans. I call it GIG (Global Internet Government). GIG will be a Web site that will update, simplify, and coordinate the policy of the UN, IMF, and the U.S. Navy into one current policy that everyone can access and understand immediately. The goal of GIG will be to use common sense and logic to convince humans that they need to stop reproducing for a few decades. This is because my silly species is on a suicide course. If the number of humans keeps going up, then the number of plants will keep going down. Soon there will be no more oxygen and we will all suffocate, and that really gets my panties in a bunch. It’s probably too late to save the planet, but I’ll give it a shot anyway because that’s just the kind of guy I am. My name is Charles W. Baer. The key to GIG is that it will have no money. I will be a multi-trillionare, but that’s not the point. GIG will have no money. GIG will provide only information and organization. Money corrupts and distorts, not to mention distracts. GIG is pure. That’s because I created GIG to save the planet. I didn’t create GIG to save the people. I didn’t create GIG to feed the starving or to educate the children. I created GIG to secure the future of the human race. One thing I can promise is that it won’t be pretty. GIG will have levels and stages. There will come a point when billions of my closest friends will decide they’re going to try to get something to eat. When this happens, the tribe of the north will be forced to say, “Okay, here’s some food.” This will be stage one-Communism. Free food for everyone. Stage one will happen around 2022. Stage nine, which will take place long after my ashes have been sprinkled over the west Maui mountains, will be the death of GIG. We have discussed my job, now let’s discuss your job. You’re the media. The media needs to provide the American people with information. Relevant information. Important information. Serious information …Charles W. Baer
Portland, Oregon

All right already, you frickin’ jackass. What’s the matter, Charlie, did the boys in your neighborhood militia kick you out for being a psycho, or what? GIG sounds like it would be super sick-too bad it’ll never happen. Please stop sending us all these stupid letters and stop pestering us on the phone! Otherwise, we’ll have to contact your psychiatrist and tell them to resume shock therapy on your crazy ass.

Higher Than Murph’s Cover
At the age of seventeen, Joseph Smith had a vision to scam millions of people out of ten percent of their yearly income. At the age of 28, Whitey saw a gap and Murph spun a frontside 540 over it for him. That is some heavy bullshit! Three days before Murphy jumped the gap, snowboarder Chris Pierre and a long line of skiers sessioned Whitey’s so-called gap. The previous year, I had a vision to build a gap 40 feet bigg than “Whitey’s gap,” which skier Chad Zurinskas jumped. We use “Whitey’s gap,” which is really the 90-foot Pyramid gap, as a warm-up for the 60-percent larger Leviathan gap. No disrespect to Whitey and Murph, but if you’re going to preach a bunch of half-truths, keep it in the LDS temple. Take a look at the postcard I sent. I think you snowboarders need to step it up.
Brent Benson/XXX Productions

Hey, smart guy, did we ever label said gap “Whitey’s gap”? The use of quotations around Whitey’s gap implies we printed it with that name, which we didn’t. Therefore, you’ve completely discredited yourself. Next time, get your facts straight before you try to do battle with us. It’s kinda ironic that you tried to dis us, but now it’s us doing the dissing. You want to hear something else ironic? Skiers can go twice as big and fast as snowboarders can, but snowboarders make three times as much money. Why don’t you put that in your pipe and smoke it? Oh yeah, the postcard was great. One of us took it into the bathroom to look at it, but when he realized there was no toilet paper left, he used it to wipe his ass.

Tell Me Lies Tell Me Sweet Little Lies
I’m not one of those punk kids who makes crap up to get in TransWorld. I’m a novice snowboarder who can pull 720s and rodeo fives. I’ve been snowboarding for five years and I’m wondering how to get sponsored. Snowboarding is like the only thing I’m good at, and I’d like to make a career of it-so please help me out. Enclosed is a picture of me at Crystal Mountain two years ago.
Chris Zigich
Goshen, Indiana

Chris, sorry to disappoint you, but from the photo you sent us it appears you really aren’t all that red-hot at snowboarding after all. However, we came to the conclusion that you must have your black belt in bullshitting. Maybe you should look into a career as a con artist.

Still A Loser
I’m the “Winner Who Lost” in the recent Palmer Hates A Kiss-Ass contest. The reason I’m writing has to do with a certain misprint of the letter I sent in. In expressing my extreme dislike for Palmer, I referred to a true event explaining how one time I booed Palmer at a motocross race. However, a single word was left out my letter changing the whole context of the story. I wrote, “It wasn’t long before my entire row was booing with me.” You wrote, “It wasn’t long before my entire row was booing me,” which made me look despised, when really they didn’t like Palmers cockiness, either. They were booing Palmer, not me. In light of this little misprint, I have a proposition. Since I seem to have been the only one brave enough to let my true feeling for Palmer out, yet lost because I don’t support the asshole’s company, I feel I should be compensated with some sort of consolation prize. Something of course having nothing to do with Palmer. Some new snowboard boots might help me ride that printout of my ill-tempered yet heartfelt letter down the slopes. Or some bindings so I can attach myself to the paper, or just a little something for my efforts. I don’t like Shaun Palmer, and I probably never will, so even if you guys don’t send me a consolation prize … well, that’ll suck, but I think I’ll be able to go on with my life with the satisfaction of knowing that anyone who reads the September 2000 issue of TransWorld SNOWboarding will see Shaun as the conceited, self-righteous bastard he is.
Lauren Fredrickson
Silverthorne, Colorado

It’s great that you’re cool with getting’ nothing, ’cause that’s exactly what you’re going to get. The only thing Palmer hates worse than a kiss-ass is a beggar. Maybe if you had a copy editor review your letters like we do, you wouldn’t be leaving words out, and thus be left looking like a complete jackass in front of millions of our readers.

Lost In Space
Hello, I like your magazine. It makes me giggle. The pictures are very pretty. When I’m alone in my bedroom, I look at them and think happy thoughts. Is that naughty? I hope not, ’cause I do it a lot. You should put in more pictures of sheep on snowboards. They’re extra special and I love them. I made a picture for you. I want to learn to breakdance.
Mike Muffins
La La Land, Outtolunchia

Maybe you should lay off the doobs for a bit. It certainly won’t make you any dumber.

Letters sent to the Angry Interns_ can and most often will be edited for clarity, sense, punctuation, length, or just to make you look like a jackass. If you’re still interested, send us as many as you like to the Angry Interns_, 353 Airport Road Oceanside, California 92054. We won’t make you rich, but we’ll make you famous within three years.pe not, ’cause I do it a lot. You should put in more pictures of sheep on snowboards. They’re extra special and I love them. I made a picture for you. I want to learn to breakdance.
Mike Muffins
La La Land, Outtolunchia

Maybe you should lay off the doobs for a bit. It certainly won’t make you any dumber.

Letters sent to the Angry Interns_ can and most often will be edited for clarity, sense, punctuation, length, or just to make you look like a jackass. If you’re still interested, send us as many as you like to the Angry Interns_, 353 Airport Road Oceanside, California 92054. We won’t make you rich, but we’ll make you famous within three years.