Supposedly “The Man” gave us this column so that we, the oppressed Interns‘, could get a chance to take out some of our pent-up hostilities on you, the public. In return, we will be happier with our menial jobs, increasing our overall productivity in the long run, without paying us a penny, inevitably growing the bottom line. But for some reason, we the lowly Interns‘ never see a cut of this new profit pie even though our clever and meticulously written column has an astronomical impact on the percentage of people who advertise in, purchase, and even sometimes read this publication.

So this month we’ve wised up a bit, and are not about to buy into any of The Man’s propaganda. Instead of ripping on the good and somewhat idiotic patrons of the Angry Interns‘ who dare to write in, we’ll showcase letters that highlight the ills of the establishment and the people who are in charge.

Censorship Sucks

What’s the deal with censoring Marc Frank Montoya’s World Industries ad in the February 2000 issue? It completely destroyed the ad. It made no difference that the URL to the real ad was provided ’cause I don’t have a functional PC. Luckily for me, I did see the ad in its original form in another magazine a few days earlier. They didn’t choose to censor it, so why the hell did you?

However, the use of the URL for the ad gave me a good idea. Why not combine all the URLs of advertisers onto two pages and do away with the excessive ads that litter your magazine? In doing so you would save trees and therefore the ecology, slow down the effects of global warming and prolong the existence of precious snowfalls, and save me the time I waste ripping through the ad pages hunting for that tiny, not always decent or even snowboard-related article.

Although it’s a bit selfish that I ask you to cut down on your money-making scheme, I figured I would at least try–you know, for the sake of trees and all.

Boris Itensko

Staten Island, New York

We weren’t really backing your hippie spiel about saving the trees, but condensing the ads onto two single pages would be sweet. Unfortunately for you and the rest of the people who are sick of seeing more ads than actual snowboarding photos, it will never happen. You see, the more ads that appear in the magazine, the fatter The Man’s wallet gets.

Subscribe To This

In case you were wondering why I didn’t renew my subscription, let me tell you. In your letter you stated that you wanted to “make the kind of magazine that we, as snowboarders, would want to read–creative, different, always changing, while staying true to our ’core audience.” Well, I don’t think I fit into your description of “’core audience.” Don’t get me wrong, I love snowboarding–it’s my most favorite thing in the world, make that second favorite. But the way your magazine is written I just think that your ’core audience is a little younger than 25 years old. I don’t consider myself extremely mature, either.

Also, there’s a lack of content. I thought to myself there’s actually not a lot to your magazine, so I decided to do a little experiment. I grabbed one of your magazines and proceeded to pull out all the pages with advertisements on both sides. Total count–45 pages, which is really 90 pages. Then I went through and pulled out all the pages with ads on just one side–total count, 46 pages. Then I counted the pages left over, which ended up equaling 123 pages. If you multiply that by eight issues, you end up with 984 pages for the bargain price of $18.95. If you do a little more calculating, you figure out it’s about twenty cents per page that isn’t complete crap–in other words, the stuff that the writers and photographers get paidor. That may seem like a good deal, until you look at all the pictures on those pages. There was not a single page in the magazine that did not have some kind of picture on it. For me, the photographs don’t always cut it. I want words, text, technical information. I don’t give a shit about interviews. Those are for the little twelve-year-old groms who swing from pros’ nuts. The articles pertaining to trips abroad are pretty cool and inspirational.

To make a long story short, I guess I’m talking about substance. There’s just not enough. Rest assured there are no ill feelings on my end–I only subscribed the first time for the free tool.

Vince

Portland, Oregon

Your calculations don’t really add up, but because you’re attacking the establishment, we ran your letter anyway.Like we told Boris, if we had it our way, the mag would have nothing but pictures and articles.

Nothing’s Extreme

I’m writing to tell you I totally know why you guys are always so pissed off. If I worked for a magazine that put more emphasis on advertisements than actual snowboarding, I would probably resign from life in the cubicle and go get a job down at KFC or some shit like that.

And like, what’s up with the media and their obsession with calling every sport out there “extreme?” What’s so extreme about jumping out of a plane with a snowboard on? Those freaks look like a bunch of damn ballerinas up there, spinning around like a top and all. They should be wearing pink tutus. What makes it even funnier is the people who are doing it try to trick you into believing that what they’re doing is extreme. How can it be extreme if it’s not even a sport? This whole extreme thing is the biggest load of media crap since McCarthyism.

One last question: If I put on a banana hammock and rolled around in a bush full of poison ivy, would the media consider me extreme? If so, you can just give me a cup full of bleach to drink right now so I can be put out of my misery.

Ted

Santa Cruz, California

We’ll answer the questions in your letter in the order you gave them to us.

1.We’re stuck working here ’cause KFC won’t hire lowlifes like us.

2.The media loves idiots. That’s why fools like Kato Kalin and Mike Tyson are always up in it.

3.We really could’ve done without the visual, but yes, the media would definitely consider a flaming rash in the groin area as extreme.

Corporate Sellouts

All us happy little kids think snowboarding is so “rad.” Man, we kids sure would be cool if we ditched these two sticks and got a board. Snowboarding must be way cooler than skiing now that Twinkies and cinnamon gum advertise in TransWorld SNOWboarding to sell their cheap, processed shit.

I love snowboarding to death and nothing stokes me more than to see more and more little kids taking up the sport and ripping. But we’ve got to draw the line somewhere. What sort of hobby is so mainstream that tampon companies use it in their advertisements to sell their product? “Snowboarding sets you free, just like our tampons will.” You’ve got to be joking. Snowboarding may set you free, but the last thing we need to see is people riding Zip-Loc brand boards with their super-sick new Crayola bindings and their Mountain Dew jackets.

In order to keep snowboarding in its purest form and from taking the same route as other mainstream sports, people have got to boycott all the flashy, mega-sellout companies and stick to companies that have been around for years and not just jumping on the bandwagon to make a quick dollar–save snowboarding from corporate hell.

Kyle Petty

Placerville, California

Yeah, tampon ads in the magazine are a little harsh, but so are condom and army-recruiting ads. Luckily for us, we don’t really run ads like that. Occasionally however, other somewhat shady companies advertise with us. We can’t really be too critical, though–for the people who put these types of ads in the magazine are only doing their jobs. If they interfere with the money that’s generated through this publication, they’ll be taken to the back of the building, blindfolded, then shot.

The Man said this was the last time we were allowed to point out the ills of the world, and that we must revert back to writing about things that won’t upset the delicate balance of nature. So why don’t you get off your lazy ass and send us a letter explaining why pro snowboarders think they’re so fresh, when in reality they are coming up short. Send letters to: The Angry Interns‘, 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. Fax it to us at (760) 722-0653. Or send at light speed via the Internet to angryinterns@twsnet.com.ds. Luckily for us, we don’t really run ads like that. Occasionally however, other somewhat shady companies advertise with us. We can’t really be too critical, though–for the people who put these types of ads in the magazine are only doing their jobs. If they interfere with the money that’s generated through this publication, they’ll be taken to the back of the building, blindfolded, then shot.

The Man said this was the last time we were allowed to point out the ills of the world, and that we must revert back to writing about things that won’t upset the delicate balance of nature. So why don’t you get off your lazy ass and send us a letter explaining why pro snowboarders think they’re so fresh, when in reality they are coming up short. Send letters to: The Angry Interns‘, 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. Fax it to us at (760) 722-0653. Or send at light speed via the Internet to angryinterns@twsnet.com.