Angry Interns 14#1

What up, scumbuckets? As if our lives didn’t suck bad enough, we’re once again reduced to reading and answering your lame-ass letters. While all of you were swishing down the slopes this season, we were swishing in the toilet with a plunger, trying to unclog your letters from last year. As you can imagine, we’re pretty pissed off. We even wrote a little poem that goes a little something like this:We’re the Angry InternsAnd we don’t give a shitIf you send us one more stupid letterWe’re gonna find you and split your frickin’ lip

Turmoil At Dawson’s Creek

I was flipping through your April 2000 issue when I came across your step-by-step instructions for a Cab 540 backside grab. To quote the article, “Imagine that the cute brown-haired girl from Dawson’s Creek is watching you.” If that wasn’t bad enough, it goes on to say if you stick it, she will want to make out with you all day! What the hell is that?

First, I’m a female rider who rips and I also need to learn how to stick my spins. I don’t want to read that tasteless grade-school garbage. It assumes most girls won’t be able to throw 540s. Second, Dawson’s Creek sucks!

Girls are coming up fast, so companies and magazines need to recognize. I’ve been riding for seven years and don’t have any sponsors except for my awesome mom. I’ve won a boardercross, and a boarderfest, both sponsored by Palmer and Bud Lite.

I have been a faithful reader for about four or five years now and I’m hoping you guys will start to give more respect to the girls who support your magazine. Maybe you should send me some stickers to make amends for you guys being so biased.
Frustratedly yours,
Christine Parker
Amherst, Massachusetts

You know what? You suck! If you had been paying attention to the article instead of immersing yourself in the latest episode of Popular, you would know that we wrote no part of the article, and that the talented Greg Goulet wrote it. Greg is a man, writing from a man’s perspective¿therefore, incentive for him to land a Cab five might well be the fantasy of making out with the hot brunette girl from Dawson’s Creek. If Greg were woman, writing the article from a woman’s perspective, his fantasy might have been to make out with Dawson himself. Greg could be a man and want to make out with Dawson, too. But we’re pretty sure that he doesn’t walk to the left of a straight line. But if he did, that would be okay, too. So therefore, missy, you really have no point to your argument. As for our sending you stickers to make amends¿fat chance that will happen anytime soon. Thanks for writing,The PC Interns

Watch Your Back
Last year my friends and I all got snowboards, and we headed out to the resort for the first time. We got to the top of the mountain, and about halfway down fifteen clowns passed me as I was skidding out (to impress the girls, of course). “Clowns?” I asked myself, “What the hell is going on?” Let me tell you, there’s nothing more messed up than being outdone by clowns. It so happens there’s a snowboarding club for clowns that gets together and rips the powder once a year. Therefore, my advice is to watch your back! I mean, clowns¿they’re evil, they have funny hair, they carry various squeaky items in their pants, and they’re multiplying. Obviously they’re gonna take over the world. So, next time you’re doing a Cab 50-50 and you see a clown, just book it as fast as you can, because he’s definitely after your ass.Thad Brander
Vancouver, B.C.

We talked amongst ourselves, and it was revealed shortly thereafter that we know of no snowboarding clowns, except of course the infamous and much loved Boozy the Clown, who was forced into early retirement several years ago. After much deliberation and bickering, we then came to the conclusion the individuals you saw were merely spitting images of yourself (i.e., a person who sends a fictional and idiotic story to our magazine in hopes of getting thr name published). Congratulations, Mr. Clown.

Chafed Ass
Last summer I worked my butt off roofing houses and managed to save enough money to buy a season pass, new goggles, gloves, pants, boots, and a coat. I also happened to get a girlfriend in the fall, with whom I spent all of my free time. I even started to think I was in love. I went to a private college prep school, though, so my weekends were the only time I got to do what I liked. During the fall I spent all my time with my girlfriend, but then she broke up with me when I started to snowboard. She thought I liked snowboarding a little too much.

On January 3 at Sundance, Utah, I tried to do a double front flip grab on an icy day, under-rotated a little, and ripped my knee to pieces. My friends continued to go snowboarding while I spent my days walking on a treadmill at the hospital, staring out the window at the snow falling on the mountains.

I decided because I couldn’t snowboard and it hurt to walk, I would rent my complete snowboard set out for 100 dollars (it’s really nice) and buy a big python with the money. I did this and bought the python, but it got lost the next day in a hole in my wall. My parents said it was probably dead. Then, I hit rock bottom when I drove to my friend’s house and turned out of the garage too sharply. I caved in the whole side of my parents’ car and caused over 1,000 dollars in damage.

Things finally started getting better when I was able to start snowboarding again a couple months later. My second time out I was doing naked misty flips with one of my friends for a video. Being naked messed me up, though. I over-rotated, landed on my ribs on the edge of a really big tabletop, broke my ribs, and got an ice rash all over my naked body. Now it hurts to walk, to breathe, all of my snowboards are broken, my butt is missing its top layer of skin from sliding 50 feet when I crashed, and the season’s over.

Benjamin Taylor
Spanish Fork, Utah

No wonder your old lady left you¿you’ve got issues, man. P.S. Thanks for the pictures of your ass, we sent them to www.chafedasses.com.

Sponsors Wanted
Have you ever been to Chicago, or anywhere in Illinois for that matter? Well, there’s not much here, but there are people who have skills in the flatlands. It has been my dream ever since I started snowboarding when I was nine years old to get sponsored and become a professional snowboarder. Nine years later, I feel I have the ability to achieve that now, but nobody is here to see me.

I live in a suburb just west of Chicago. We have some hills around here that get the job done, but the closest hill has four runs with four rope tows. Four Lakes Ski Hill does make a decent run for snowboarders, though; it usually has some nice gaps and big tabletops. However, if I want to go to a real mountain, I have to drive two to three hours into Wisconsin, but all the good sponsors look for people with talent in Colorado or Vermont.

Even though the hills in my area are smaller, I can still do the same misty fives as Peter Line and the same 720s as Todd Richards. I want all the sponsors to know there are some people who can rip out here as well. You don’t need a huge mountain to be a top riding pro. I just wish big-name companies such as Ride, Forum, Four Square, et cetera would come and check out the talent from the flatlands of America.

Mike Morris
Westmont, Illinois

Unfortunately, all the wishing in the world won’t get you sponsored. There is a huge conspiracy against snowboarders from the flatlands of America, with corporations paying millions of dollars to ensure that inspiring kids such as yourself will never know what it feels like to get a free box off goodies. Sorry, kid.

Dear Assholes
I think TransWorld Snowboarding kicks ass. On the other hand, I think you guys are a bunch of dicks who have nothing better to do than crack on people who write to you. You guys need to grow up and quit acting like a bunch of skilled snowboarders who think they’re cool because they work for a magazine. Why don’t you guys get a life and a real job while you are at it.

Brandy Fowler

Tyler, Minnesota

First of all, Brandy, why you comin’ at us like that? How can we be a bunch of dicks if the Angry Interns are a bunch of chicks? You better step back for a minute and check yourself. You definitely don’t want none of this.

If you got problems and need to vent, don’t even think about writing to the Angry Internsà‚„¢ at: 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054 or faxing them at: (760) 722-0653 or emailing them at angryinterns@twsnet.com for that matter.h of skilled snowboarders who think they’re cool because they work for a magazine. Why don’t you guys get a life and a real job while you are at it.

Brandy Fowler

Tyler, Minnesota

First of all, Brandy, why you comin’ at us like that? How can we be a bunch of dicks if the Angry Interns are a bunch of chicks? You better step back for a minute and check yourself. You definitely don’t want none of this.

If you got problems and need to vent, don’t even think about writing to the Angry Internsà‚„¢ at: 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054 or faxing them at: (760) 722-0653 or emailing them at angryinterns@twsnet.com for that matter.