Angry Interns 13#3

There are dozens, possibly hundreds of professional snowboard interviews readily available for readers to enjoy. But for the reader interested in what goes on inside the minds of the average Joe, very little has been made public.

That’s why Angry Internsà‚„¢ was created. It offers a unique look into the wandering minds of TransWorld SNOWboarding’s most beloved readers. One might say that Angry Internsà‚„¢ was designed to show how men and women struggle through the snowboard season with too much glory on their minds and too little initiative to metamorphose themselves into the fine rippers they could become with a little hard work. “Give me this, give me that, wax my board, tighten my bindings, et cetera, et cetera,” are just a sampling of the pathetic nonsense contained in these letters.

Alas, what shall we do when we, the Angry Internsà‚„¢, are continually handed the task responding to your tired, senseless concerns? Shall we be angry in our remarks? Be volatile in our actions? What’s the answer to these questions? Well folks, the answer is quite obvious¿very freaking obvious. Let me give you an example: Have you ever eaten in a Mexican restaurant? You know, the type of place that serves you a bowl of tortilla chips as soon as you sit down. A place that furnishes their walls with authentic woven rugs, sombreros, piñatas, or tin Corona-Extra embossed signs. Perhaps the place is a complete dump, filled with sweaty, underpaid employees who take your order and then yap it into a microphone, while your eyes look at the complete mess-job they call a kitchen. Maybe they have one of those pesky Chihuahuas running around the joint, waiting to hump the legs of hungry patrons¿now that’s raw. Whatever the case, the restaurant is not the point in question, their menu is: Burritos, tacos, tostados, chimichangas, enchiladas, huevos rancheros, Nostradamusos, Montezuma’s Rebengas, et cetera, are all items you’ll find on a Mexican restaurant’s menu. But let me ask you a question¿who the hell really knows the difference between these items? Or, for that matter, who even cares what’s inside them? Beans, corn, salsa, maybe some sour cream or guacamole, that’s all it is. Big deal, perhaps one is deep fried before it’s thrown on a plate and presented to you. Maybe one gets folded twice lengthwise, instead of, let’s say, oh, four times widthwise. See what I’m saying? It’s all the same shiznat.

So folks, I’ll say it again. So folks, there, I said it again. So folks, that’s the answer to what dealing with the Angry Internsà‚„¢ column is like. Every month we’re presented with a not entirely appetizing buffet of Mexican mumbo jumbo via pen, paper, and e-mail. All the letters have the same basic ingredients but are presented in a slightly different way. Ooh-la-la, maybe I’ll get another poem next month. What about a drawing? Goddamn, it won’t be soon enough before I open up a new letter and see yet another traced photo or finger-painted illustration. Gosh people, what will you think of next?

As you can see, there is a problem, and its origin is obvious. It is you, the public, who are weak and unimaginative.

But no matter what, we, the Angry Internsà‚„¢, will continue our quest. We have not changed. We are still the same ol’ witty, humorous, lovable, and angry creatures of habit. No matter what you send us, we will continue to trudge through the steamy jungle, carrying a big f¿ing stick. A stick, mind you, that is unbreakable, pungent smelling, and ready to deliver some whup-ass. From step-to-step abrasive guidance, to shallow finger-pointing techniques, we are here to bring you to the next level¿whatever the hell that is, we haven’t got that far yet.

I am a college student, thus I am poor. This is a bad thing, for all I want is a racing board. So, I set my mind to it and decided to come up with some ways of raising money. The jobs pay slave wages here, so that’s out. I could always dress in rags a panhandle for change, but I already have to do that for laundry money. Looks like my only option would be mooching. So, I am writing you, the best snowboard magazine there is, and I am proclaiming myself the king of moochers. It would be great if you could just give me a board. If not, it would still be cool if you put this lame-ass letter in the mag.Brandon Markwalder Damn, Brandon, I never knew those race boards were so expensive. Gosh, those cant plates must cost what, oh, two- to three- hundred bucks apiece. Try monoskiing. No one does it, and it offers the same “tight angle” stance you desire. In addition, you could probably pick one up at a thrift store for super cheap. About, oh, two, maybe three dollars will get you going. Buy wax, too. Racers love wax¿for their body and their board.

I have been looking for some information on how to take care of my snowboard. I was wondering if you could help me.Kevin SanderLong Beach, California Kevin, or should I say Big Kev? Yo Kev-dog, here’s the scoop: You need to bring your board to the “take care” center. These centers are located in a variety of places around town. For instance, when I go to the supermarket they have one there. Before I go shopping, I drop my board off at the take-care center, where trained professionals are specifically skilled in the art of board “taking care of.” When I’m done shopping and my groceries are firmly packaged, I go back and pick up my board. Sometimes the professionals give me a report about my board. If it was a bad board, I like to spank it. That teaches it a lesson. Have you ever spanked your board, Kevin? If not, I suggest you do, it will help solve your quest in learning how to take care of your board.

I live in Tempe, Arizona, and we’re going through a major drought of snow. Well, at least in Flagstaff that’s the case. So my friends and I decided to build a fire and do a snow dance around it. We hope it works so we can have many fun days in the fluffy stuff. So, to all who read this, please build a fire and do a snow dance around it for us Arizonian snowboarders¿we want to hit the slopes.Kevin SpeulaTempe, Arizona Do you know the story of oil and vinegar? Two great tastes that do not combine when joined together. You can shake all you want, but they won’t stay mixed. It never works. The oil will rise to the top as the vinegar idles below. The same holds true for your little ritual there in Arizona. I like fires and snow dances just as much as the next fire/snow-dance fanatic, but don’t combine the two. You might put out the fire when the snow does fall. And damn it, Kev, don’t lambada so close to me.

I’m a snowboarder, and I think I’m good enough to be sponsored by you guys. I am twelve years old and can do a lot of tricks, but not any flips. Your mag is so good. Me and my friend Cory Hoffman snowboard at Snowbowl, Discovery, and not a lot at Marshall Mountain. So what’s up? Do you think I am old enough and good enough to be sponsored? Thanks. Keep up the mag.Ryan “Snowboard Man” Walter

We cannot sponsor you because all sponsored snowboarders have cool nicknames. You do not. Get a nickname and try again. Try calling yourself “Schnitzel” or “The Big Schniz.” Now that’s cool and not easily forgettable, unlike your letter. Next, please!

You guys should get mad props for this mag, it’s killer. Anyway, I was wondering if you could send me addresses of some snowboard companies. My parents told me if I pulled an A out of my English class, I could get a snowboard. My teacher told me if I interviewed three people from my topic (snowboarding), I could get 50 extra-credit points, which would give me an A. I would really appreciate the list of addresses so I could get the interviews. Thanks.Kyle Van AckerDanville, California

What is this English class you talk about, and why is this A thing so important. Tell your parents that C’s and D’s are cooler. Besides, they sound better in your stereo, and you don’t have to put a “n” after them, when preceding a word beginning with a vowel. For example, an idiot. But hey, if you already had an “A” in English class, you would have known this. Also, don’t pull anything from class. Try pushing. It’s much easier.to put a “n” after them, when preceding a word beginning with a vowel. For example, an idiot. But hey, if you already had an “A” in English class, you would have known this. Also, don’t pull anything from class. Try pushing. It’s much easier.