Working Title: “IVAN THE HORRIBLE” nonfiction

EXTERIOR. THE CANYONS RESORT – ROAD

A green TRANSPORTATION BUS pulls away from the resort’s parking area full of tourists. It’s near the end of the day on New Year’s Eve, 1998.

The bus stops at three different prearranged bus stops and then pulls away, heading for stop number six.

CUT TO

INTERIOR. THE BUS – NOW

The driver appears shell-shocked, no doubt from a long day of driving skiers and snowboarders back and forth along the same route around Park City. Over and over again.

As people pile out, the driver smiles at each person, but nobody returns the nod. Nobody says thank you. Most of the people have gotten off, except for me (ERIC), my girlfriend (LORIEN), a BITTER WOMAN, and a PISSED-OFF MAN. A lone TEEN SNOWBOARDER sits quietly in the first seat.

The bus driver wears a lot of strange crystals, turquoise, and silver. Big rings. Seashells. It looks like he’s shopped in flea markets all over the world.

LORIEN

Hey, the bus driver’s kinda trippy, huh? Weird jewelry. I like it.

ERIC

Yeah.

(whispering)

Look at the people he has to deal with all day.

LORIEN

Yeah. I see what you mean.

The bus slows eventually to stop at prearranged stop number six.

PISSED-OFF MAN

Don’t stop here. Just pull in that drive. My condominium is three blocks down.

BUS DRIVER

I’m sorry, sir, I have a schedule to keep. I can’t go off our set route.

PISSED-OFF MAN

What do you mean, you can’t go off the set route?

BUS DRIVER

(Stares in his mirror, says nothing.)

PISSED OFF MAN

Did you hear me?

The TEEN SNOWBOARDER turns around to see what’s going on as the bus stops. The doors open.

BUS DRIVER

This is as close as I can get, sir.

PISSED-OFF MAN

What’s your name?

BUS DRIVER

Ivan.

PISSED-OFF MAN

You know what, Ivan? I pay your salary.

BUS DRIVER

(Sarcastically.)

Thank you, sir.

Even more mad, PISSED-OFF MAN storms off the bus, which then pulls away. The PISSED-OFF MAN walks away. The bus continues toward stop number seven.

BITTER WOMAN

You know, I agree with that gentleman. The bus is nearly empty. It’s not like there’s traffic. You’re a horrible bus driver.

BUS DRIVER

(sighs)

LORIEN

(whispers)

Whatever.

The TEEN SNOWBOARDER makes a face at the BITTER WOMAN without her seeing.

BITTER WOMAN

Which stop should I use for the Raindance Inn?

BUS DRIVER

That was two stops back, ma’am.

BITTER WOMAN

Two stops back! Stop!

BUS DRIVER

I can’t, ma’am, we’re going through an intersection.

BITTER WOMAN

How am I supposed to get to my hotel? I need you to turn around.

BUS DRIVER

Can’t do that, ma’am. You can either loop all the way around with me–that’ll take about 40 minutes–or you can get off at the next stop, cross the street, and catch another bus heading back. That should take fifteen minutes. Give or take.

BITTER WOMAN

Do I have to carry my skis across the street?

ERIC

Yes.

Lorien kicks him. Hard.

BITTER WOMAN

(Looks at Eric.)

Who are you?

ERIC

Nobody. Just somebody trying to get to stop number nine.

BITTER WOMAN

Okay, fine. Stop! Stop!

The bus stops and the lady gets off. Meanwhile, the TEEN SNOWBOARDER is mocking the lady as she passes him by crossing his eyes and shoving his finger up his nose.

The bus pulls away.

LORIEN

(to BUS DRIVER)

Geez. What a bunch of jerks.

ERIC

Assholes.

LORIEN

Happy New Year’s or what!

ERIC

(to BUS DRIVER)

So where you from?

BUS DRIVER

Here and there. Right now, here.

ERIC

Cool. Well, I hope you have a fun New Year’s. Drink a few beers or whatever.

BUS DRIVER

Thanks. Where you guys staying?

ERIC

At the blah-blah condos. I think the next stop is our closest.

The bus suddenly turns off the main road. It takes a right turn past stop number nine, and then a left, and then a right.

Through another stop sign. We’re definitely off the route. At least a mile off the route. Five minutes later, we pull up to the entrance of blah-blah condos. On the edge of town.

BUS DRIVER

What unit? I used to deliver pizza here.

LORIEN

Unit D, way in back. This is perfect.

The bus lurches forward and pulls into the blah-blah condos complex.

BUS DRIVER

No, no. Sit.

The bus weaves around all the units, right on course for our condos.

LORIEN

(nudges ERIC and whispers)

We should give him a tip.

ERIC

(nodding)

The bus pulls up to Unit D’s doorstep. Eric pulls out a five and hands it to the driver, laughing. The driver’s laughing, too. Everyone is laughing.

ERIC

Happy New Year. This’ll buy your first one.

BUS DRIVER

Cool, man. Thanks. Thanks a lot. You know I was having a pretty shitty day ’til about five minutes ago.

ERIC

(to the TEEN SNOWBOARDER)

Later.

TEEN SNOWBOARDER

Later.

LORIEN and ERIC walk the grueling five steps to their condo door and disappear inside, laughing.

The bus drives away.