Predictions For 2005
It’s that time of year again-the last issue of the season. For the next five months, we’re going to be vacuuming cubicles and washing the boss’ car in an attempt to keep busy. Glamorous, huh? While the rest of the “staff” traipses across the globe, we’ll be sitting in here hoping to dig up a scrap or two of hot shred gossip.
Then it occurred to us-all you shredamaniacs out there will probably be going through the same withdrawal. So slow your roll, ’cause the Interns are here to help. Not with silly “facts” or “actual information,” but with predictions of what we think might happen by this time next year. “How will this help?” you might ask. Well-it won’t, but since when have we ever been helpful?
JP Walker’s teeth will become so white that astronauts will be able to see them from space.
Marc Frank Montoya’s silhouette logo will become a modern-day bat signal for little Latino shredders worldwide.
Bitten by the Olympic bug, TWS Editor Kurt Hoy blows the dust off his hard boots and throws his spandex back in the GS ring.
Speaking of medal fever, after an incident involving the Grenade RV and a pipe bomb, Danny Kass is forced to pawn his 2002 Olympic halfpipe medal to post bail for Schiff, Clancy, and The Dingo.
In the never-ending quest to make more money, TWS will eliminate editorial completely, making room for more deodorant and hair-dye ads.
A mix-up at a Salt Lake sperm bank between big-mountain Jeremy Jones and freestyle Jeremy Jones results in the birth of a child who has uncontrollable urges to do every handrail in Alaska.
To the dismay of Burton scientists and EXPN announcers alike, Shaun White will actually age one year.
A handful of kids will be labeled “The Next Big Thing” and then get completely forgotten about inside a year.
Along the same line … Ryan Lougee will … oh, who cares? See, we told ya.
Travis Rice will convert his new million-dollar chunk of Jackson Hole real estate into a Michael Jackson, Neverland-type amusement park-complete with Ferris wheels and Jesus juice.
Peter Line will finally completely lose his mind, filling up a pool with all his money and swimming in it daily à– la Scrooge McDuck.
Cashing in on her David Letterman appearance, Tara Dakides will make the late-night talk-show circuit, splitting her head open for everyone from Jay Leno to Jimmy Kimmel.
