Our adventure started off in the most typical fashion. Get the Grenade RV and load it up with people. This voyage included the likes of veteran land pirates, Sketchy-D, Kyle Clancy, Jason Bayne at the helms, and myself. We picked up a crew of scurvy road-faring lowlifes en route to our destination of South Lake Tahoe. A Wizard named Metal Mike, a man so big that they call him Jesse “the house House, and Jeff Kramer the human drunk. We also had along with us three wenches, Marybeth, Kari, and Kirsten—the most female accompaniment we had ever seen on the road.
We pulled into port that night at the Block Hotel—an MFM joint. There we met up with Ryan “RV Van Duyn and his crew of derelict bastards. They gave us rooms and told us not to break anything. Not that we would, but one could sense the smell of lust for primal disorder upon us. You could cut the stink with a knife. With an allegiance formed, we battened the hatches and set off to pillage the casinos for booze, women and booty.
6:00 a.m. the next morning we awoke to overcast skies—not a good thing for land sailing, especially in the winter months. We drove to Sierra-at-Tahoe and began to unload Retard Riot’s gear; they were scheduled to provide an afternoon of song and dance for the venue. Registration begins and ends, and a war between polar opposites is drawn—The North Shore Vs. The South Shore. This day would be a battle of jib for the control of Lake Tahoe. The lines were drawn at 101 South, and 36 North. A measly three mercenaries played a serenade of death as the battle commenced. Slowly but surely it began to snow as P-Tex found its way to anything that could be slid. This did not stop the swashbuckling, nor did Retard Riot show any signs of fatigue from frostbite. If you could have been there you would have seen the sights that I had, some of which too graphic to mention with this, my trusty typewriter. It was all happening and we were caught in the midst of one of the greatest battles between the two shores. When the crust settled and the blood was cleaned from the rails and boxes, only a few brave souls still stood in honor of their respective motherlands. They were each rewarded for their skill with a complete setup provided by fabulous merchants the world over. We would like to thank them here: Sierra-at-Tahoe, Stepchild Snowboards, Celsius, Grenade Gloves, Southshore Soldiers, Fatigue Project, Riders Union and Flux. Also a big thanks to THE BLOCK for letting us park our ship in their parking lot and also to Retard Riot for providing comedy and music. Oh yeah, I think by the looks of the results, the South Shore is the victor of the lake. All spoils of war shall be in their favor. Until Shore War ’07, I’m staying alive in 2005—for at least a week.
Ladies Results:
Winner:
Destinee Perata -Tahoe City, California, age 22.
Sponsors: Capita, Riders Union, Electric, ThirtyTwo, Arcis, Pow Gloves.
Honorable Mention:
Dawn Kato, South Lake Tahoe, California, age 25.
Sponsors: Fokust Alliance, The Riders Union, Adidas Eyewear, Jones Soda.
15 & Under Results:
Winner:
Jack Lyle—South Lake Tahoe, California, age 15.
Sponsors: Third Drawer Snowboards, Rockstar, Sierra-at-Tahoe, PLA.
Zak Shelhamer.
16 & Over Results:
Winner:
Danny Rein—South Lake Tahoe, California, age 20.
Sponsors: Sierra-at-Tahoe.
Honorable Mention:
Chas Guldemond—Kings Beach, California, age 18.
Sponsors: Santa Cruz, Planet Earth, Electric, Grenade Gloves.
